Source: The Independent

Jerry%27s%20Ink
EXCLUSIVE: JERRY DELLA FEMINA INTERVIEWS JERRY DELLA FEMINA

by Jerry Della Femina

July 23, 2014

Yesterday, Tuesday, July 22, was my birthday and, in my honor, I’ve decided to once again interview myself.

JERRY THE REPORTER:

How old are you?

JERRY THE BIRTHDAY BOY:

None of your damn business. Let me just say that I’m so, so old that when I have sexual fantasies about women in their 50s, I feel like a pedophile.

I do know this: I refuse to die in the next two years. I owe my staying alive to Barack Obama.

JERRY THE REPORTER:

Barack Obama?

JERRY THE BIRTHDAY BOY:

Yes, Barack Obama. I refuse to die while he’s still president. I feel like I would be abandoning my family and friends.

I can just hear my great-grandkids asking my grandkids, “Is it true that Papa Jerry died during the Obama administration?”

“Yes, he was such a cop-out. He croaked at a time when Obama was president and New York had the worst mayor in its history. The whole family was ashamed of him.”

I can’t have this, so I will wait to die until Christie or Jeb Bush or Hillary brings our great country back to world leadership and respect.

I also will stay alive until someone (anyone!) takes take over as Mayor of New York and replaces that commie, pinko, bed-wetting freak Bill de Blasio.

JERRY THE REPORTER:

You always seem to be mad at someone. Who are you mad at now?

JERRY THE BIRTHDAY BOY:

I’m really pissed at the media for their twisted coverage of the Israeli/Hamas war.

When I was a kid I would pick on my little brother. Once, when my mother came into the room to see why he was crying, I tried to get out of trouble by saying, “Mom, he hit me second so I hit him first.”

This is what is happening with the media blaming Israel for what Hamas has started and is continuing to do.

The media and Obama are telling Israel to stop the fighting. Why hasn’t Obama and the media reached out to the Hamas leadership and asked them to stop lobbing shells into Israel? Egypt tried to get the violence to stop and Hamas rejected them.

Does the media really think that the 2000 rockets and mortars that have been fired from Gaza into Israel were not meant to kill Israeli children? Is it Israel’s fault that Hamas can’t hit the side of a barn and Israel has the technology to shield their people?

It’s so sad to see children in Gaza who have been used by Hamas as human shields dying and suffering. But Hamas is turning down all pleas for peace and, sadly, the only coverage we see on NBC, CNN and all the other networks is footage of pain and suffering from hospitals in Gaza.This quote sums it up for me:

“We can forgive the Arabs for killing our children. We cannot forgive them for forcing us to kill their children.

“We will only have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate us.”

-Golda Meir, Former Prime Minister of Israel

JERRY THE REPORTER:

What bothers you most about being old and decrepit?

JERRY THE BIRTHDAY BOY:

I hate that I’ve reached the age where people come up to me and say, “You’re looking very good” or “You haven’t changed a bit” or “You look wonderful, darling.” That means I’m tragically old, because no one ever says that lying stuff to a 25-year-old or a 50-year-old.

JERRY THE REPORTER:

Any advice for young people?

JERRY THE BIRTHDAY BOY:

Yes. It’s the same advice I give on my birthday every year. This is for those of you who are in your 20s — it’s never too soon to start lying about your age. The day will come when people will start using your age against you. This will affect jobs, promotions, romance, etc., etc.

So if you’re 30, slice off 10 years right this minute. Tell people you’re 20. Okay, you’ll get a lot of dirty looks at first, and people will mutter behind your back, but when you’re 40, people will start talking about what a mature-looking 30-year-old you are. And trust me, it’s a lot better to have people thinking you’re a decrepit 50-year-old than a good-looking 60-year-old.

JERRY THE REPORTER:

Have you made any plans for when you pass on?

JERRY THE BIRTHDAY BOY:

Yes, I’ve made plans for my funeral. I want the service to start by my recorded voice announcing that everyone should turn ON their cell phones. I hate that “Turn off your cell phones” crap. Plus, everyone will be encouraged to take their calls at their seats. You know, to say in a loud voice, “Yes, I’m at Jerry Della Femina’s funeral. I’m disappointed. There’s a bigger crowd here than he deserved.”

Also, I’ve instructed my family that no matter what he charges, they must hire Al Sharpton to deliver my eulogy and say wonderful things about me at my funeral. I just want to leave all those whom I love laughing.

If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.