Source: The Independent

What I Learnt In High School

by Rick Murphy

September 04, 2013

From time to time Rick cedes this space to guest columnists. This week a young man from a local high school waxes poetic about high school and life in the Hamptons.

By Petey Bennett

Man, I’m bummed its time to git back to skool, especially since the test results came back and now everyone knows we’se all dumber than rocks.

Between the breathalyzer tests and gittin’ frisked and all the freakin’ backbiting, twitting and texting we hardly learnt nuthin. Nuthin new ‘bout that!

We did learnt a lot about Math but not in Math class. I mean, Missus Kelley has been there for like what, 25 years and she has the same old lessons she had when she started and she hasn’t taught one kid nuthin we didn’t already know in all that time.

We did find out what she makes from the newspaper — $136,000! That’s for those of you not good wit numbers, a hunnerd and tirty thousand freakin dollars!

Mrs. Kelley only works 180 days. But she gets like three weeks personal vacation and sick days and stuff like that so she probably works like, I dunno, 165 days or something. Earl says she really works about two-thirds what regular people work. She also gits a shoppin’ day for Xmas! I love that!

There’s more. Mrs. Kelley comes in at eight, she’s in the teachers lounge by 9:45, she’s eating by noon and her big butt is outta here by 2:50. She teaches five 45 minute classes (and one of them is a freakin study hall!) so that’s roughly four hours per day.

I was gonna complain to our school supe Dr. Boomboleeni but Jaime told me he makes like a quarter mil even though we never see him. Mikey says Dr. Boomboleeni avoids “student contact” ‘cause we must be contagious or maybe even lepers or sumthin’ like that. Mikey says the Boomer ain’t a real doctor anyway. Just a pretend doc.

There’s more. Thanks to taxpaying folks like my Dad and Mom, who everybody knows run the dry cleaners on Main Street, the skool board has arranged for The Boomer to retire when he’s still young enough to continue to shove mashed potatoes down for the next 40 years and get paid to do it. And should he or any member of his family get sick from all that food or from the arsenic in the ground or from the bird flu or from a terrorist attack, don’t worry the skool is paying for insurance for his whole family, even his obnoxious son Norman we all hate and wish would ketch a disease really soon.

So how come the skool board members never ask us kids how to make the skool better? Cause they know what we would say:

Here is my list of Ways To Make Our School Like a Normal Skool Where-In Kids Learn Stuff and Crap:

1. Get rid of all the old hens who git paid for teachin’ us nuthin.

2. Let us drink and smoke.

3. Make Marybeth Kearns put out fer me.

4. Make text books with more pictures and less writing.

5. One word: Naptime!

6. Git me a new truck.

7. Make Tish Browning put out fer me.

My mom says we kan’t afford to pay any more taxes and that’s why I can’t go to a four year college like the South of the Highway kids. She says I should go to Munity College and that its really good but I never heard of it. Plus Munity is a long ways away.

My buds Bruce Havens and Bubba Pierce went to college last year and they say they smoke pot all day and don’t learnt much of anything and listen to music in the lounge and eat chips and stuff like that. The difference is ya get to choose yer classes so instead of taking Science and Geography and Math and stuff like that (being I don’t do so good in them) I could take other “lective” courses like Nude Girls Who Put Out 101 and History of Beer and other classes for big lugs like me who like to sleep late. It’ll be really fun and I’ll earn my degree and get a job being a teacher!

Well that’s it for today’s blog you can go to my Face Book page and read all the other blogs I rite and also some neat pictures of me during my skinhead days and also read why Marybeth Kearns should put out fer me real soon!