Source: The Independent

The Other Side Of Gun Control

by Rick Murphy

January 09, 2013

This week, Rick snagged an exclusive interview with Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rifle Association.

Indy: Your organization’s motto is “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” which was famously stated by Charlton Heston.

NRA: Yeah. Funny thing is, we did.

Indy: Did what?

NRA: We pried his gun from his cold, dead hands. You see, rigor mortis had set in, and old Charlton had big hands.

Indy: Christ – you literally took the gun from him?

NRA: He was dead – he didn’t give a crap. Too bad he didn’t have that thing when he made Planet of the Apes – them smarmy apes would have found out in a hurry you don’t mess with the Statue of Liberty.

Indy: Another slogan gun enthusiasts use is, “If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.”

NRA: It’s true. Every law-abiding American should own a gun, and of course everyone in uniform, be it cops, soldiers, Boy Scouts and the like.

Indy: Boy Scouts?

NRA: And Cub Scouts, too. Girl Scouts as well – we don’t practice sexual indiscrimination.

Indy: Girl Scouts?

NRA: Hey, they’d sell a lot more cookies. If one of them little f**kers come to my door and says, ‘Buy a dozen boxes of cookies or I’ll blow your brains out,’ I’m goin’ all in on the Samoas, even if they sound un-American.

Indy: Now let’s get to the grizzly shootings at schools. You’ve called for an armed guard at every institution of learning.

NRA: That’s correct. A deterrent, so to speak. Soon as some wise ass kid gives him any lip, Bam! Take him out right there. That will be the end of the disobedience.

Indy: With all due respect, sir, the people aren’t worried about the kids mouthing off, they are worried about crazies shooting their kids.

NRA: Exactly. If you make guns illegal, only crazy kids will have guns.

Indy: Wouldn’t having guards at the schools be astronomically expensive?

NRA: Not at all. We already have crossing guards. Just outfit them with an automatic weapon, 30 or so rounds, and maybe a Glock under their belts in case the entire fourth grade mounts a full frontal attack on the school.

Indy: You’re kidding, right?

NRA: Of course. Most folks take this stuff too seriously. We laugh, we joke, we breathe just like everyone else. Only difference is, we don’t take s**t from liberal New Yawk a-holes who believe that guns are evil.

Indy: Some people think guns are phallic symbols.

NRA: I didn’t take geometry in school. I was a shop major.

Indy: Married?

NRA: Of course.

Indy: To a woman?

NRA: The last fella who said that kind of thing to me is underground now.

Indy: Oh, a miner or subway conductor?

NRA: Never you mind, sonny. I can tell you’re from New Yawk, I’ll tell you that.

Indy: One more question: How can we regulate guns more effectively?

NRA: They’re regulated enough now. Hell, when I bought my 12-gauge at Wal-Mart I had to show ‘em my library card. I was sweatin’ it out.

Indy: Why?

NRA: I still got some overdue picture books from back in the fifth grade.