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Outing the Straights


Dear Editor,

Straights in the Donkey Party are about to be outed. These honorable men and women of Congress are secretive lovers of consenting adults. They have been closeted for years, preferring the company of the opposite sex when no one was looking. A few congresspersons were spotted in the wrong place, at the wrong time and with the wrong people. Some were seen in Georgetown bars downing beers and flirting with people of legal age, and scandalously, with the opposite gender!

One rumor has it that former president Bill Clinton agreed to spend a night with his senator wife and take a night off from his other girlfriends. He will "sacrifice" a night for the woman he allegedly married. Of course, there is no proof the two were ever married. Chelsea is definitely not from the same planet.

Bill is the first DemocRat to be ratted out by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. He'll be pissed, but trust me on this: the man is as straight as Rambo.

Hillary, a rumored lesbian for years, and the alleged wife of Janet Reno, the former attorney general, has the ankles of an elephant. This is a feature she intends to put to good use, no cynic, she. It was reported that during the run-up to her earlier senatorial campaigns he agreed to, er, "change" preferences for a night for "appearance sake" and to promote "family values" and get the Elephant Party vote. With her ankles no doubt, the Elephant Party faithful will mistake her as one of their own.

Hillary is looking forward to spending the night with her so-called "husband" even if he slept at another hotel room in another state and even if he had another woman or two in the same bed. Especially if there were other women in the bed!

The former AG with whom the senator was rarely seen in public was out of town for Hill's much-publicized rendezvous with Bill. There was a reported sighting of Reno in Waco, Texas, with Reno surrounded by FBI men in SWAT gear and with burning buildings seen in the background. A good time was had by all. Other witnesses in closer proximity asserted that Reno was actually Joey Buttafuocco in drag, or she was Dick Cheney dressed up in a Cindy Sheehan costume. Whatever.

The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy vowed to out the many straights among DemocRats just before the November election, hoping to sway voters to their side.

Calling for an investigation, the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (now you know they really exist and Hillary wasn't just smoking a bong) asked, "Who knew what, and when did they know it?" They promptly ordered Congress' commission on ethics to probe the closeted straights in the Donkey Party to find out why they have not been outed before by their leadership who knew for years about the disposition of these people. The ethics commission's findings will be announced November 18th, just after the voters go to the polls.

ANDREW BENJAMIN
October 24, 2006

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