Hardy Plumbing
February 16, 2011

Jerry's Ink


Charlie Sheen is going to die. No one wants it to happen, but no one can stop him.

There is nothing you or I can do about it.

Don't feel so bad. He wants to die. Charlie is a crack addict and a dead man.

No, the hookers won't kill him (the only things hookers kill are marriages and political careers), and the alcohol won't kill him at least for another 30 years. And the porn stars won't kill him (although they will drain him and his wallet). But the "blow" will kill him.

One day he'll take a big snort or inject a speedball (a combination injection of cocaine and heroin) and like John Belushi and Len Bias, the basketball player, he will grab his chest and die.

His death will save a lot of lives. A lot of young kids who are doing coke now weren't born or were too young to remember what happened when Len Bias, a promising young basketball player, snorted cocaine at a party and OD'd. It was June 19, 1986. Thousands of people who thought that cocaine was a recreational drug that couldn't hurt them, completely changed their minds. A lot of people reading this will say, "That's when I stopped doing drugs."

That's the way it will be when Charlie Sheen dies.

His death will be sad because Charlie seems to be a good sort of a guy, but he's dead man walking, and what I'm about to propose will piss off a lot of people. But if you wait and take a deep breath and think about it, you'll agree that my idea would be the best thing that can happen for the memory of Charlie Sheen.

I believe when Sheen reads about my idea, he will be in complete agreement with what I'm about to say.

I propose a national Charlie Sheen OD lottery.

I'm talking about people in this country investing a dollar to see if they can pick the time and the day when Charlie overdoses.

We can use the same lottery machines that you find in stores and gas stations all over America. Someone comes in to buy something – a newspaper, candy, gas, etc. Then they take a dollar or two or three of their change and they say, "Let me have 9:05 PM June 14, 2012 on Charlie." The clerk will ring it up and hand the customer his receipt. When you think about it, the odds are better than the odds on most lotteries.

Personally, I think Charlie will OD in the next two years.

I also propose that we select a great cause to give half of the prize money to, and the rest will go to the winner.

At the low price of a dollar a lottery ticket we can raise as much as 300 t0 400 million dollars for a great children's cause.

Let's find a real charity, not one of those fake charities where most of the money disappears in some hustler's pocket.

Let's not waste the prize money on some "Just say no" or other anti-drug-use projects that in the end don't seem to work.

Let's instead give the money to a charity that truly will help kids who are sick and dying.

Let's give the money to something like the Imus Ranch for Children with Cancer. 100% of the money goes to the kids. Or let's give the money to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Let's not let this guy kill himself without some deserving kids benefiting from his death.

Let's not let Charlie Sheen stick a needle in his vein and die in vain.

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com or visit indyeastend.com and scroll to the bottom of the column.

  1. print email
    February 17, 2011 | 09:37 AM

    He who trusts all things to chance makes a lottery of his life and, yes, I'm talking about you Charlie Sheen!!!!

  2. print email
    Wasted Lives and Tormented Families
    February 17, 2011 | 09:55 AM

    Longevity wise, Charlie Sheen is lucky to have lasted this long. All around us you have many talented young people going to their graves while they are still teenagers. I don't think we will ever stop kids from "trying" drugs and then getting hooked but it sickens me to think that we, as a society, allow this poison to be so easily obtainable.
    The answer is to end the temptation by ending the trade itself. And it is not just the
    job of law enforcement, it needs to be taken on by all of us.

    Joe Ciaccia
  3. print email
    Life Imitates Art
    February 18, 2011 | 10:08 PM

    Anybody notice how similar and self-destructive Charlie Sheen is to his 2 and a half men character(alter-ego) Charlie Harper?

    JT Fangio
  4. print email
    February 22, 2011 | 05:29 PM

    Pray drug addiction never visits it's presence upon you or someone you love. It's not a choice, it's a disease and it's fatal. You're right about one thing, either Charlie gets treatment or he is going to die. Addiction is treatable, not curable. Don't mock those who are afflicted. You wouldn't if you knew what you were talking about, or knew the suffering of the people who love those of us who are afflicted. There is nothing to joke about.

    Kevin Santich
  5. print email
    "Jerry Della Femina Behaving Badly Predicted to Ignite Karma's I
    March 08, 2011 | 03:51 PM

    Keep it up, Jerry. Besides, it's as though you just can't help yourself anyway. But, be warned, sir...Karma's got quite an appetite for those, like you, with a fat, toddler-like ego, seasoned with a succulent spirit of ill-intent toward the ailing and vulnerable. LOL...Bon Appétit, hungry Karma...Bon Appétit. And…If I may, Karma? I suggest pairing your delectable Jerry Della Femina confit with a bottomless glass of the Hungarian wine known as "Bulls Blood of Eger"....Mmmmmm....No doubt it will all be so very yummy going down. Until next time, Karma...Enjoy your meal ;0)

    Karma's Concierge
  6. print email
    legalize them all
    April 26, 2011 | 10:41 PM

    so they want to fine people who buy fake designer goods on the streets of new york, but do nothing to the people that use the drugs. only way to stop it, or as was shown in "the last emporer", send users away and give them all the drugs they want. just get them out of our society. or legalize them all and get the country out of debt.

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