Hardy Plumbing
January 19, 2011


I have never been a fan of bicyclists or bicycles. But while I was digging my car out from under a mountain of snow for the second time in a few short weeks I couldn't help but wish that it was some bicyclist digging his bicycle out from under a mountain of snow instead of me.

At the same time I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty digging out a machine that, at least partially, has aided in the frequency of these storms.

It is pretty well known now that global warming has been a contributing factor in the severity of the weather in our world.

Granted I am not driving an SUV or a Hummer, but that is mostly because I am a writer and cannot afford it. If I could afford it I would probably drive a monster truck and crush the twelve-pound toy car I currently drive and the snow that covers it. But these are simple musings.

In New York we feel the changes in temperature more than the hippies in California because we experience every season: Summer, Winter, Spring, Football Season, and Toyotathon. So when the temperatures drop or the storms blow harder than usual, we feel it.

In response to the recent Blizzardgeddon our crack team of Focused Boredom researchers has compiled a few key lifestyle changes that you could easily implement to help ensure a cleaner, better tomorrow.

The Jersey Shore cast needs to go: The American populace needs to stop watching these buffoons because they are detrimental to our environment. The amount of hair spray and Axe body deodorant they use has singlehandedly increased the oceans' temperatures by two degrees. I am not sure where I heard it, but someone told me that Snookie was partially responsible for the earthquake in Haiti last year.

Start wearing bow ties: This is very important as scientists are now discovering that somehow the single Windsor, the most common style of tying a necktie, is linked to global warming. If 90 out of 100 men that wear ties regularly were to switch to bowties (especially pink ones with yellow polka dots) we could save the life of at least one polar bear.

Someone seriously needs to invent a hover board: I don't know what the problem is but everyone that I know has been begging for hover board since the 80s. I am sure that every major scientist is just nerdy enough to have seen Back To The Future 2 and 3. So why do we still not have one? It has been two decades! What's the hold up?

Not only will they become the more popular mode of transportation and reduce the amount of cars on the road, but also I am sure that hover boards will also be fuel-efficient, reduce green house gasses, and separate your recyclables on the weekend or whatever. Make this happen!

Dry Tee-Shirt Contests: They may not sound as fun as their current, wasteful counterpart, but the Dry Tee-shirt contest would be the greener alternative for any eco-conscious college across the United States and the Caribbean. If college kids would simply switch to dry-tee-shirt contests for one spring break we would be able to bathe and save enough drinking water for a small country.

If you care for your world, then these simple strategies would bring about great and positive change to our ecosystem and finally bring an end to Snookie. The idea that she makes more money than me and can afford an SUV bothers me.


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Gurney's Inn