I'm not much of a weeper. Sure, I threw my share of temper tantrums when I was, like, five years-old. I'd usually wail about something trivial, like a gumball.
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"Mom, can I have a gumball?" I'd ask as we'd pass the machine.
"No honey, it's not good for your teeth."
"But I still have my baby teeth. They are all gonna fall out anyway!"
"Not today, honey!"
"WAHHHHH! WAHHHHH! WAHHH!
"PLEASE can I have a gumball? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!"
I remember thinking to myself, "It costs a freakin' penny. How cheap can this ho be, anyway?" At the time that little gumball was the most important thing in the world to me.
But you grow up, you mature, you move on. Most of us are guided by a simple philosophy: men don't cry.
Girls? That's OK. You can cry. After all, you're a girl. Girls can make a point by crying. It's especially poignant if they have eye makeup on, which runs down their cheeks and make them grotesque looking horror film creatures from Night Of The Living Dead or Chuckie The Mascara Head.
You all know where this is going: John Boehner. The new Speaker of the House is, as the NY Post now calls him, the Weeper of the House. First he started crying on "60 Minutes," and I just assumed he saw all the wrinkles on Mike Wallace's face and burst into tears. But no, there he was last week at the podium of the House of Representatives, bawling like a baby with a bad rash.
Maybe it's just me, but I find it particularly galling a man whose name is pronounced "Boner" cries in public – any man with that name has a reputation to uphold for all the rest of us. It's a testosterone thing.
I give you as evidence a study released last week. "Tears A Turnoff," Newsday reported. When a woman cries, the study concluded, her tears "Lower his testosterone level." To prove that they had men sniff - you read it correctly, SNIFF -- the tears of women who had been watching a sad movie. The men found the women "less sexually attractive."
What does this have to do with Boehner? Well, if a women's tears lower a man's testosterone level, what must his own tears do to him? This Boehner guy may well be stashing a vagina under his belt.
It is particularly irksome that a leader of our country is a serial crier. Think of the repercussions:
"Mr. Speaker, North Korea is threatening to launch a nuclear bomb at us!"
Boehner starts sobbing uncontrollably.
"Mr. Speaker! Should we recommend a counter attack to the president?"
Boehner: "Wah! Wah! Smell my tears (sob) . . . smell my tears and tell me you still find me attractive."
Naturally, Boehner jokes are all over late night television and the internet. We won't repeat the vulgar ones here, because this newspaper, as most of you know, is about taste and class. Here are a few of the more benign:
With a name like that, do you think it was hard growing up?
Nice guy, but he seems a bit stiff.
His campaign slogan is "four more tears."
Crying isn't Boehner's only problem – his color has become a real issue. That's because he is orange, one of the few in his race - Suffolk County Executive Steve Levy is also orange, by the way. Both men are direct descendants of Carrot Top, though neither inherited his sense of humor (such as it is).
Boehner joins a long list of Washington DC officials whose names are double entendres including, Bush, Dick Cheney, and Representative Wilbur PeePeeStick (Ok, OK, I made that one up).
When you think about it, it says a lot that an orange crybaby could be elected to public office although he's from Ohio, and maybe folks out there think it's normal. I just don't think he'd play very well in New York City. I mean, the first time he gets held up at knifepoint on the subway he'll flood the entire system.