January 19, 2011
SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW
I have a question.
As many of you know, I am addicted to Sausage Egg McMuffins.
The other day I was standing in a McDonald's, reading the calorie chart that describes everything (including the Diet Coke) as being over 775 calories.
Since I was the only person paying attention to the calorie posting, I'm absolutely sure that if McDonald's restaurants (you should pardon the expression "restaurants") were forced by the government to write this warning under every item they offer – "Warning: This Food Can Clog Up Your Veins and Kill You" – they wouldn't lose a single sale.
Then it hit me. Where does the food in a McDonald's come from?
It's clear that all the people working at the McDonald's are taking out pre-measured, pre-weighed meat and fish and chicken.
How does this food get to your favorite McDonald's outlet?
Does it come by truck? I have never seen a McDonald's food truck making a delivery. I have never seen a McDonald's truck on the road. I have never even seen an unmarked truck delivering food to McDonald's. Have you?
For that matter, I have never seen a Burger King or any other fast food franchise delivery truck on the road, either.
So where does the food in fast food restaurants come from?
If you have seen a delivery truck, or have the answer, please write me and tell me. Otherwise I have to go along with my theory about underground pipes all over America pushing bad fast food into restaurants, which I'm afraid to divulge now lest you have me committed.
We went to Palm Beach for the holidays and once again I was reminded about how horrible plane travel has become. So I once again write about my brilliant new airport exercise plan. It's based upon the fact that I hate to exercise. But if you feel you have to exercise, try my airport security exercise plan, which will have you losing a few pounds in a half hour. Here's how it works.
Get on the security line.
Bend down to take off your right shoe.
Bend down to take off your left shoe.
Bend down to lift your luggage on to the conveyor belt.
Bend down to lift your computer bag up to the conveyor belt.
Take your computer out of your bag and lift it five times in each hand.
Take off your belt and swivel your hips to keep your pants from falling to your ankles.
Put your hands on your hips, up to your chest, back to your hips, ten times. This is because you're looking in your pants pocket and shirt pocket for your plane ticket and driver's license to show the guard, who is standing a few feet away from the other guard, who just saw your ticket and driver's license when you got on that same security line less than 15 seconds ago.
Walk past the security device. Then pick up your left shoe and bend down to put it on your left foot. Try to lace it while standing without losing your breath and passing out and falling on your face.
Repeat this with your right shoe on your right foot.
Back to weightlifting: Pick up your computer, pick up your luggage, hold them over your head and press them like a weightlifter as you run the half mile to your plane's gate.
Now turn around run a half mile back past the security section and get right back on the security line.
Do this 10 times until finally the suspicious security guards pull you aside and strip search you, thinking you are a terrorist with Alzheimer's.