Hardy Plumbing
January 19, 2011


I have a question.

As many of you know, I am addicted to Sausage Egg McMuffins.

The other day I was standing in a McDonald's, reading the calorie chart that describes everything (including the Diet Coke) as being over 775 calories.

Since I was the only person paying attention to the calorie posting, I'm absolutely sure that if McDonald's restaurants (you should pardon the expression "restaurants") were forced by the government to write this warning under every item they offer – "Warning: This Food Can Clog Up Your Veins and Kill You" – they wouldn't lose a single sale.

Then it hit me. Where does the food in a McDonald's come from?

It's clear that all the people working at the McDonald's are taking out pre-measured, pre-weighed meat and fish and chicken.

How does this food get to your favorite McDonald's outlet?

Does it come by truck? I have never seen a McDonald's food truck making a delivery. I have never seen a McDonald's truck on the road. I have never even seen an unmarked truck delivering food to McDonald's. Have you?

For that matter, I have never seen a Burger King or any other fast food franchise delivery truck on the road, either.

So where does the food in fast food restaurants come from?

If you have seen a delivery truck, or have the answer, please write me and tell me. Otherwise I have to go along with my theory about underground pipes all over America pushing bad fast food into restaurants, which I'm afraid to divulge now lest you have me committed.


We went to Palm Beach for the holidays and once again I was reminded about how horrible plane travel has become. So I once again write about my brilliant new airport exercise plan. It's based upon the fact that I hate to exercise. But if you feel you have to exercise, try my airport security exercise plan, which will have you losing a few pounds in a half hour. Here's how it works.

Get on the security line.

Bend down to take off your right shoe.

Bend down to take off your left shoe.

Bend down to lift your luggage on to the conveyor belt.

Bend down to lift your computer bag up to the conveyor belt.

Take your computer out of your bag and lift it five times in each hand.

Take off your belt and swivel your hips to keep your pants from falling to your ankles.

Put your hands on your hips, up to your chest, back to your hips, ten times. This is because you're looking in your pants pocket and shirt pocket for your plane ticket and driver's license to show the guard, who is standing a few feet away from the other guard, who just saw your ticket and driver's license when you got on that same security line less than 15 seconds ago.

Walk past the security device. Then pick up your left shoe and bend down to put it on your left foot. Try to lace it while standing without losing your breath and passing out and falling on your face.

Repeat this with your right shoe on your right foot.

Back to weightlifting: Pick up your computer, pick up your luggage, hold them over your head and press them like a weightlifter as you run the half mile to your plane's gate.

Now turn around run a half mile back past the security section and get right back on the security line.

Do this 10 times until finally the suspicious security guards pull you aside and strip search you, thinking you are a terrorist with Alzheimer's.

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    Airport Security
    January 20, 2011 | 08:57 AM

    Airport Security, or lack thereof is a serious joke. The security line, as you point out, is staffed by minimally educated and corpulent workers who could probably not make a simple decision to save their a**es. To seriously avoid danger of exploding planes and hijackings, the obvious solution is to outlaw airlines and reinstate the stage coaches.

    Marcus M. Mane
  2. print email
    January 20, 2011 | 06:01 PM

    Jerry, The fast food is delivered at midnight each and every day by black-ops stealth bombers that drop crates from bomb bay doors, yanked from the planes by parachutes. They descend to the parking lots below and are whisked into underground bunkers by a hoard of ninja-like workers. Also re-supply is achieved by high speed "rumrunner" boats from ships beyond the three mile limit. The food disguised as crated of Canadian hooch are sometimes stashed in beach homes and burger and fries, etc. Are frequently left behind to placate the homeowners. One unnamed resident has received, it is said, literally hundreds and hundreds of frozen cases of sausage McMuffins but I understand this has never been validated. Further, there are resupply way stations cleverly located throughout the Hamptons only one of which has been uncovered: The belly of Big Duck. Enjoy those sausage delights while you can, I have heard the fast-food powers-that-be will soon be switching to using World War II refurbished U- Boats and off-loading the "goods" in rubber rafts at the Coast Guard Beach. Hey, remember you can't take it with you but you can have it your way, Ronald.

    John F. Garretson
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