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September 22, 2010
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Kiss & Tell


Love Language 1.0


I am going to be the one person who says what everyone is thinking but is too embarrassed to say for fear of looking outdated, not tech savvy, or just plain old.

I can't stand texting. I prefer communication 1.0.

I like complete sentences, adverbs, and punctuation. When I see TTY L8ER I think that's a license plate, not a salutation indicating a further conversation. Or when someone responds to you, "K." What, does it take too much time to add the O?

The lack of grammatical gentility in texting is jarring for me. I am someone who still will start an email with Dear, . . . And in the old days, if someone ended the written communication with Love, . . . you knew it was serious. Now we love our cars, new shoes, BFFs, new acquaintances, manicurists and Xanax. Love you! Or actually Luv U! can actually mean, "You bitch, I cannot believe that you bought the same cute dress as me and wore it first so now it looks like I'm copying you. Die, Die!"

At a party or social gathering it used to be considered rude when you were having a conversation with someone if your eyes wandered to the super cute guy or gal who just walked in, mentally abandoning the person right in front of your face.

But you can be in the middle of pouring your heart out about your poor schnauzer's cancer diagnosis and you see your friend is looking down at his/her phone screen.

The rumbling you hear is the sound of Emily Post rolling over in her grave.

Unless you're at a convention of practicing brain surgeons, what is the urgency to leave your present moment to check this little beeping piece of metal. In my book that's a bomb, and it's bad news.

If you have a sense of humor it can also easily be lost in translation on a text. While some people will use J to indicate they are kidding, I tend to add "tee, hee," unsure which one makes me look more like a ridiculous teenager. Sarcasm is a lost art, and unless they develop the "I'm being sarcastic now," font, people don't get it. With a phone message the intonation in your voice gives so many verbal clues that a few capital letters will never be able to convey.

The one person who is happy for the texting revolution is the insecure lover and the snooper. Back in the Dangerous Liaisons era you would have to get your handmaid to break into your paramour's locked drawer to discover a set of love letters wrapped in a monogrammed, rose-water scented, linen handkerchief. With email you at least had to know your significant other's significant password to hack in. Now your little mobile device has not so much as a sheath to cover its latest blasted communication to the girl in your office you have a serious crush on.

We live in an age where the motto is less is more, and when you're talking about a skirt for a girl who has great legs or the description of your grandfather's prostate problem I get your point. But when it comes to relationships, and especially romantic relationships, to quote Oliver, "I'd like some more please." K?

You can find more of my writing at HipHamptons.com or drop me a note at kissandtellhb@hotmail.com.

  1. print email
    Love Language 1.0
    September 27, 2010 | 08:49 PM

    Thank you for writing on this very important topic, and so entertainingly! You've described all the things about texting that bother me, and with eloquence and humor.

    Kyle McCann
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