September 15, 2010

Kiss & Tell

Ten Reasons Why Men Like Cars Better Than Women

You see the gleam in his eye. The way he runs his hand over her curves. He listens attentively, waiting for the telltale purr that says she is ready for action. He knows he's in the driver's seat. Literally.

He has found true love and it's not about petals but pedals, preferably to the metal. A woman may feel jealous when she thinks her guy is ogling the hot blonde across the street, only to have him say, "Wow that new Mercedes AMG is sweeeeet." Here are the top ten reasons men like cars better than women.

* If ever there is a problem with the car, it alerts him with a warning light. Unlike the female meltdown which he in no way saw coming, he is given fair notice. There is no such thing as a warning light which blinks "Nothing" which he and his mechanic are forced to decipher.

* A top notch detailing job for his car will rarely cost more than $250. That will not even pay for his girlfriend's highlights. He understands that he doesn't want to spill coffee on the newly hand cleaned leather but not why he can't mess up her new hair-do during sex.

* With a GPS it is the only time a man is happy to listen to a female voice giving him directions. "Turn left," the sexy, slightly British accented voice says. If he doesn't obey and keeps going his way, the voice does not retort, "You missed the turn! I told you that's not the way to go. I'm going to be late for Fernando at the salon."

* There's no pressure to find your glove compartment's G Spot.

* A car lease by design isn't supposed to last more than a year or two. If you aren't the kind to buy a car and keep the same one up for 200,000 miles with missing bumper, rear view mirror and head rest (yeah that was a good story) there is no shame in wanting to trade in for the newer and faster model every year.

* A finely tuned racing machine will never ask him to take it slow.

* A man can park his car somewhere different each night, and it doesn't care.

* His car has no objection to him singing badly . . . at the top of his lungs . . . Kenny Loggins. Okay actually I take it back, the car would care.

* If he is buying a "previously owned" car he can check its entire history and whether it's been in accidents online. He won't know this about new girlfriend until he leaves a wet towel on the floor and she freaks out crying because it reminds her of her ex who would never, ever, frigging pick up the damn wet towel and just put it over a towel rack would that frigging kill him? But when he asks what's wrong she says, "Nothing."

* Waxing a car is an easily understood process and in a pinch he could even do it himself. Women and waxing is a complete and utter mystery and never to be attempted at home, even if you are from Brazil.

Look guys, we gals get your love affair with your car. You have total control, instant gratification, social status, private space, and a very, very expensive cup holder. In the end there's only one remaining question, "Can we drive it?"

You can find more of my writing at HipHamptons.com or drop me a note at kissandtellhb@hotmail.com.

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