June 04, 2008
Dear Barack Obama
Let me start by telling you how much I sympathize with you and the problems you've been having with your spiritual advisors.
You can't seem to get a break. You had close ties with Reverend Jeremiah Wright for 20 years. He married you and your wife, baptized your children. How were you to know he is a racist and is as nutty as a fruitcake?
You dumped him and along came Father Michael Pfleger, a white priest you've known for 20 years, whose endorsement appears on your faith endorsements page, where Jeremiah Wright's used to be. Father Pfleger turned out to be crazier than a bed bug. He delivered a mincing denouncement of Hillary Clinton that was caught on YouTube. He did an imitation of Hillary's crying "over a black man stealing my show." Barack, for crying out loud, what's next for you? Rev. Jimmy Swaggart?
Religion. What a cross it's been for you to bear.
Especially since you have maintained that in the 20 years you've sat in the Trinity United Church of Christ, you've known both those religious jokers and you never ever heard them say anything that might give you any indication that perhaps they had a screw loose somewhere.
Now I know that there are some evil Republicans who have the nerve to say they don't believe you could sit for 20 years and listen to these men and miss their close friendship with that anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan and their bombastic tirades against white people.
Barack, I may be the only Republican who believes you.
I understand. I'll bet for 20 years of Sunday services in Chicago you always did what I used to do at church when I was 15 years old in Brooklyn. You tuned out completely.
When I was attending Our Lady of Grace and Father Cafero was mumbling Mass in broken English, I must confess that I tuned out and at times I even fantasized about some of the young women sitting in front of me who were kneeling in prayer. Of course I was ashamed of myself for having such carnal thoughts in church – so much so that when the part of the Mass came when everyone had to lightly beat their breast and say "Mea Culpa," I went one better and slapped my own face and said "Mea Culpa."
So it's clear to me that you didn't hear a word of what was going on in your church for 20 years. But now, like magic, since you want to be our President, you woke up last week and you dumped the Trinity United Church of Christ.
But that brings me to another problem: You cannot be a man without a religion and still get elected to be President of the United States. Here's where my latest great idea comes in.
Barack Obama, I want you to convert to Judaism.
It's my stroke of political genius.
Barack Obama a Jew.
Let me tell you why this move will make you the next President of the United States.
First of all, as spiritual advisors, Rabbis are cool. No Rabbi in your temple, er . . . er . . . make that synagogue, will ever open his mouth about politics. So you're safe there.
I can promise you that you will not lose a single vote because of your conversion. Your political base is set. College kids, young professionals who are college grads, blacks, and hedge fund operators.
Now let's look at the breakdown of those who are planning to vote against you.
There are those who won't vote for you because you are black. These are bigoted idiots who will never ever vote for you no matter what you do. Forget them. They're hopeless.
Then there are those who would like to vote for you because you are black, but won't vote for you because they think you're a putz.* They live in Florida, a swing state, and they're Jewish.
Barack, you publically convert to Judaism and they are all yours. I can hear the conversation taking place in the "My Children Never Visit Me" retirement home in Boca Raton, Florida.
Sam: Should we vote for this Obama guy? His wife looks like a Farbissener.**
Sara: Sam, are you crazy, of course we have to vote for him. He will be the first Jewish President.
Sam: Once again you're right, dear. At last, a Jewish President. That will show those Nazi Bastards.
Now, Barack, here's how we make the most of your conversion. The first thing we do when you convert to Judaism is plan your Bar Mitzvah.
Think of it, you're being lifted on a chair wearing a yarmulke while everyone dances in a circle singing Hava Nagila. It's on national television: CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS prime time, the night before the convention.
The host? Who else but Larry King?
Barack, I can just hear you say in those mellifluous tones, "Today I am a man."
Then comes the candle lighting ceremony and there won't be a dry eye in the country. Then the speech that you knock out of the park. You announce you're giving the millions of fountain pens and money clips and millions of checks for a double chai ($36) you've received from proud Jews from all over the world to the poor.
You announce your Vice President will be Michael Bloomberg.
Same premise as before: If these idiots won't vote for you because of the color of your skin, then they will have to live with a black Jewish President with a billionaire Jewish Vice President.
Then you announce that your first appointment to the Supreme Court will be (FANFARE) Hillary Clinton.
Now in one fell swoop you have taken care of Hillary and her followers, and I guarantee that Antoine Scalia will resign from the court the next day.
But you're not finished yet. You need a symbol to celebrate that you're the first black Jewish President in history. What will it be? An eyepatch.
Yes, Barack, I said an eyepatch, a dashing symbolic eyepatch. You'll wear it in tribute to Sammy Davis Jr., that talented one-eyed, black, Jewish man with an eyepatch who wrote a book called "Yes I Can."
You, Barack Obama, a talented black Jewish man whose slogan is "Yes We Can," will wear an eyepatch (eye optional) for the rest of a winning campaign.
God Bless America.
Next week my advice to you, John McCain, on how you can win the election by capturing 20% of the black vote, and all you have to do is dump your current faceless spiritual advisors and join the Trinity United Church of Christ.
*putz: an idiot, a jerk; a penis
**Farbissener: embittered; bitter person
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