December 26, 2007
End of Year Odds and Ends
A PHONE CALL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
So my advertising agency had our Christmas Party the other night and it was just like a scene out of the hit series about advertising called "Mad Men."
I feel it is my duty to make the party as wild and as loud and as sexy as parties were before the Human Resources Departments took over our lives and told us how to act towards each other.
The only thing wrong is that I'm aging rapidly and I no longer can have 12 to 15 glasses (I lost count) of wine in a few hours without it having an effect on me. So I stumbled home, undressed, got into bed and woke up at 3:30 a.m. I felt something under my butt and rolled over and realized I had fallen asleep on my BlackBerry phone. I also realized that the weight of my behind had dialed the phone and at 3:26 a.m. my Blackberry had called Ed Koch.
Mr. Mayor, if you read this please accept my apology. Chalk it up as just another crank call from an ass.
So Boss Gruber, who runs the local Democratic Party, wrote another letter to The East Hampton Star, once again showing his disdain for those thousands of good Democrats who read The Independent. Clearly, since he considers this paper a rag (his words), he must think that the majority of local Democrats who read and enjoy this paper and buy the products advertised in this paper are not smart enough to read his favorite newspaper – the official house organ of the Democratic Party – The East Hampton Star.
Now after reading his recent diatribe, I know how Boss Gruber's letters can be put to some good use. I believe Boss Gruber's letters should be shown and read to students at East Hampton High School and the Ross School as examples of out-and-out bad writing.
What I would tell kids is that it doesn't matter whether you grow up to be a Democrat or a Republican. What matters is that you should never embarrass yourself by sending a letter this badly written to any newspaper.
I have a lot of respect for local Democrats and I believe they deserve to be led by someone who can write a simple coherent letter.
But Boss Gruber has bigger problems then he cares to let on in his badly written letters to The Star.
When over 1200 people who are town workers and retirees and their families (many of them Democrats) suddenly woke up and found out they had just been screwed by a switch and an abrupt change in insurance benefits and brought out the rat and protested at Town Hall . . .
When rumors that the Suffolk County DA's office is sniffing around the Town of East Hampton are floating all over town . . .
When Democrats in this administration have started jumping ship and claiming they had no idea of some of the shoddy and some say shady dealing of the McGintee administration . . .
It's going to take more than another badly written letter to The Star by Boss Gruber blaming me and Rick Murphy and The Independent to solve the problems.
IMUS AND JUSTICE
So Don Imus is back better than ever on WABC and Al Sharpton, who ran all over CBS and CNBC and got them to panic and fire Imus, is now being investigated by the Feds. It doesn't get any better than that.
Let me clarify a misstatement by Boss Gruber in his latest letter to The Star. Boss Gruber said, "Jerry Della Femina has an ego as big as Kansas." Wrong. Kansas is too small a state. I have an ego as big as Texas.
I DEDICATE THIS REPUBLICAN JOKE TO BOSS GRUBER
(sent by an avid reader)
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived: the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Bill agreed – it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Bill.
"Amen," said Hillary.
The old priest continued . . .
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to email@example.com.