Gurney's Inn
December 26, 2007

Kiss & Tell


As we approach the end of 2007 I am reminded that endings are often beginnings. In many cultures the cycle of life begins not with birth but with death and then rebirth. The value in this perspective is our ability to change and grow and morph into a new person and a new life. But you have to end the negative influences first. Many people don't know the pre-story to Cinderella but it does not begin with Once Upon A Time.

The little read prequel shows our gal who was very troubled when her mother died. She would wander into the forest to seek out her magic mushrooms, which gave her a break from the drudgery of her evil stepmother and stepsisters and all that fireplace cleaning. But while she was wacky wacky she met a hunter. He invited her back to his thatched hut in the woods where he was turning rabbit pelts into car seat covers.

They would meet there and laugh and play with finger paints and eat pop tarts. Cinderella would lament her life and her menial housework and lack of Prada and tell the hunter her dreams of happily ever after. "Maybe I can help you," he would say. "I can take you away one day."

Their meetings continued but soon Cinderella found that the magic mushrooms weren't as much fun as they used to be, and when she went into the forest she would see shadows lurking with menacing tendrils which seemed to grasp at her ankles, and she would get lost on her way to the hunter's cabin. When she arrived he sometimes would greet her with a smile and a bubble bath prepared but at other times he seemed irritated by her presence and her wacky wacky laugh and the soot on her face and in her hair. Her original name was actually Smudge Spice.

One morning she woke up late and because she was so out of it, spilled ashes all over when cleaning the hearth and by the time she swept them all up and mopped the floor she was late getting into the forest. Strangely she couldn't find her magic mushroom patch wherever she looked and by the time she went to her hunter's shack it was getting dark.

When she arrived she was startled to see a woman carrying dead rabbits walking into the hut. Her hunter hugged this woman and kissed her and pinched her attractive, perky, Gucci clad bootie. "How's my Mrs.?" he asked and drew her inside.

Cinderella felt a deep swelling inside of her, and a wave of rage and sadness and shock swept through her. She snuck back to the shed where the hunter skinned the rabbits and dipped a stick in the blood and wrote on the door, "DICK" then retreated back into the forest. Yet when she came across a patch of the magic mushrooms instead of bending down to pick them, she backed 12 steps away.

When she arrived home her evil stepmother declared, "I know I promised you if you worked diligently to keep this house clean and our fire lit that I would reward you at year's end with a pair of Uggs and blonde highlights but I've decided against that." Cinderella was so taken aback that her mouth simply dropped open. Defeated, she slumped down to the hearth where she ran her finger through the ashes and wrote on the wall, "BITCH."

That night at midnight, under a full moon, Cinderella awoke and wandered outside. She bowed down to the ground and vowed, "I will make my own magic. I will not work for anything less than I am worth. I will not settle for any man who is less than a prince. And I will never buy anything made out of rabbit fur as long as I shall live." And when she went back to bed that night and saw a glimpse of light on the ceiling, the final words her lips uttered were, "Fairy Godmother, you're late."

A very happy and healthy 2008 to all of you.

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