Gurney's Inn
December 05, 2007

Low Tidings

David Gruber, Jerry and Mini-Me

Ours was a somber newsroom indeed Friday morning. As I walked through the offices, I saw the sullen faces on our staffers. I noted their disheveled looks, for many had been up all night, twisting from the crushing words they had read about us in a letter to the The East Hampton Star.

The author was David Gruber. The fact that he saw fit to malign our coverage of the local election had sent us all reeling. He referred to me as Mini Jerry, a reference to my close (some say unhealthy and unnatural) relationship with Jerry Della Femina, the principle owner of this newspaper. Jerry is our backbone, our rock, the very gonad of this paper.

But Gruber painted us as crude, sophomoric pranksters who giggle at the mention of the word underwear and have little standing in the literary community. That hurt, because like most of our staffers, Jerry and I worship David Gruber like a god, In fact, we have little shrines, with David, Buddha and Ricky Martin all sitting with their legs crossed, in a blessed state of constipation. They are placed in the bottom of the urinals at the office.

I walked into Jerry's office. He was sobbing openly and fully. "We need to talk," I said tenderly. "We need to produce a newspaper David Gruber can be proud of." He looked at me for a moment, and then, motioned me to sit on his lap. With his eyes welling up in tears, he said something I'll never forget as long as I live.

"Underwear," he whispered. "Dirty underwear."

Dr. Evil Della Femina: Who is David Gruber?

Mini me: I think he is an underwear model.

Dr. Evil: You said underwear!

Mini me: Heh heh! I think you shagged David Gruber!

Dr. Evil: Did not!

Mini-Me: Did so!

Dr. Evil: He's too ugly!

Mini me: He has dirty underwear!

Dr. Evil: You said underwear!

Mini Me: Heh heh!

Dr. Evil: He says our newspaper doesn't like the East Hampton Democrats. Why would he say that?

Mini me: Probably because we hate them!

Dr. Evil: We do?

Mini me: Yes, because they are doody heads!

Dr. Evil: You said doody!

Mini-me: Did not!

Dr. Evil: He said The Independent costs "zero." I thought that was a good thing that we give the people the paper for free.

Mini-me: Hmm. Mr. Gruber likes to spend money. He once spent $300,000 of his own money to try and get himself elected.

Dr. Evil: Did he win?

Mini me: No, he lost badly! The people hate Mr. Gruber.

Dr. Evil: Why?

Mini me: Because he's a doody head!

Both: Heh heh!

Dr. Evil: Maybe we should charge him $100 an issue for The Independent.

Mini-me: Then we could buy panties!

Dr. Evil: He called us a "rag." Did he mean a dishrag?

Mini me: I think he meant underwear!

Dr. Evil: You said underwear!

Mini me: Heh heh. I meant panties!

Dr. Evil: So this Gruber, what does he do?

Mini me: As far as we can tell he writes a lot of long letters and tries to position himself to be very close to Alec Baldwin.

Dr. Evil: Does he shag him?

Mini me: Of course not. Too ugly!

Dr. Evil: Which one? Hey, I have a joke! Name something swarthy and very moist!

Min me: Hmmmmmm . . . A poopie face!

Dr. Evil. Close, My Special Boy, close. How about Alec Baldwin when he sweats.

Mini me: I don't get it . . . he always sweats.

Dr. Evil: Exactly! That's why he's swarthy and moist. Get it?

Mini me: OK, I got one: Name something crusty and wet.

Dr. Evil: Hmmmm . . . how about a pie in the shower.

Mini me: That makes no sense! It's David Gruber's underwear!

Dr. Evil: You said underwear!

Mini me: Did not!

Dr. Evil: Did so! Let me ask you something, and I want you to answer like a Big Boy Clone. Why is David Gruber so mean?

Mini me: I think he is jealous. We are very funny. We have lots of friends. We have big kickstands. He is not very well liked. He's more like a laughingstock, an outsider who tried to buy the town and was sent packing.

Dr. Evil: And he's a pimple head! And he wears crusty underwear on his head!

Mini Me: You said head!

Dr. Evil: Did not!

Mini Me: He's a doody!

Dr. Evil: He's a poopie!

Mini-me: You said poopie!

Dr. Evil: You said doody!

Both together: Did not!

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