Hardy Plumbing
November 21, 2007

MY ANNUAL TURKEY AWARDS



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Religious Turkey

It was your garden variety sex scandal, with an Archbishop admitting to sleeping with his brother's wife.

The 80-year-old Archbishop of the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit Church in Atlanta admitted he slept with his brother's wife and fathered a child by her.

When he dies I can see the 80-year-old Arch-lecher facing God and trying to "Bill Clinton" his way into heaven. "Lord, the commandment clearly states that I'm not allowed to sleep with my neighbor's wife. Lord, I want you to know that my brother doesn't live anywhere near me. He is not my neighbor."

The horny holy man is also being sued by former church employee Mona Brewer, who says the old goat manipulated her into an affair from 1989 to 2003 by giving her the old "It's your only path to salvation" line.

In his youth the writer of this column remembers trying this "salvation" line a number of times, only to be met with laughter and derision. Perhaps I was wearing the wrong collar.

**********************

Commercial Turkey

Let's have a moment of silence for Dick Wilson, who played "Mr. Whipple" on television. He bought the farm last Monday.

Remember him? He would implore dumb but happy housewives in toilet paper commercials, mincing "Please, don't squeeze the Charmin." The punch line of most spots was that Whipple himself was a closet Charmin-squeezer.

Stupid commercials – you bet they were, but they made Charmin toilet paper number one in the country. A dubious distinction indeed.

Can't you just see his gravestone? It reads:

WILSON

1916-2007

Squeezing Toilet Paper in the Big Toilet in the Sky

**********************

Landlord Turkey

My award of merit for making life safe for future East End renters goes to my good friend Liz Temkin, for winning her security deposit dispute in a small claims court case against her former landlord, Mr. Jonathon Moore.

From Ms. Temkin's version of the court case, she was like Jimmy Stewart and Jean Arthur in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and Mr. Moore, by Ms. Temkin's description, was a cross between the character played by Claude Rains and the character played by that old heavy, Edward Arnold, in that same movie. What an upset. At first I thought: What chance could a sweet, innocent little child like Ms. Temkin, who has a wicked crosscourt shot in tennis, have when she's matched against Mr. Moore, who isn't your run-of-the-mill landlord trying to hold back one month's security?

Mr. Moore is a high-priced Washington lawyer. But Ms. Timken, utilizing every trick she learned from watching Raymond Burr in a million Perry Mason shows when she was skipping school, won the case and got her money back. Her quote upon winning, "It wasn't the principal, it was the money." Makes her the most honest winner in the history of the American court system.

**********************

Local Newspaper Turkey

Now that the election is over, let us finally tell you the truth about the candidate for whom we urged you to vote.

That's what The East Hampton Star seemed to be saying on their editorial page last week.

Runner-up Turkey goes to The East Hampton Press, who endorsed Bill McGintee, too.

Now, since The East Hampton Press is really a warmed-over Southampton Press, they can't really be blamed for not knowing what's going on in East Hampton. Besides, since they clearly seem to be planning to devour The Star, it stands to reason they will blindly follow The East Hampton Star's one-party politics to reach their one-party readers.

But The East Hampton Star has no excuse. The only reason they supported Bill McGintee is because he is a Democrat. If they weren't able to follow his administration's record of shifty shenanigans, the least they could have done as a service to their readers was to read The Independent and follow our crusading Editor (that's the way he ordered me to describe him) Rick Murphy's exclusive stories of McGintee's shoddy record. (Lawyers, please note I wrote shoddy, not shady.)

Now, it is clear that The Independent has many readers who vote Democrat. It's also clear that those Democrats who voted for McGintee's opponent, GOP challenger Bill Wilkinson, or chose to stay home, are too smart to vote the party line. It's sad to say that the Democratic Party in East Hampton has a certain number of zombie voters who will never vote for a member of the opposite party no matter how dismal the candidate of their party might be.

So The Star endorsed McGintee and the next week, yes, the very next week, they dumped on him and said of the election:

"This is hardly a resounding mandate by any means, and the outcome may well have taken East Hampton Town Democrats [read us] as a surprise. With Bill Wilkinson apparently taking seven of East Hampton's 19 election districts, they cannot consider Mr. McGintee's victory as a sign that all is well."

The Star also acknowledged the shady . . . make that shoddy use of Community Preservation Funds we have been reporting on.

Now you don't think the person who wrote the editorial endorsing McGintee also wrote the editorial hinting that not all is well? Nah, come on, say it ain't so. No one can be that cynical.

But all this has given me the opportunity to run a Democratic candidate for town supervisor in the year 2012. I will prove my case because I can assure you that if this man runs he will be endorsed by The East Hampton Star and about 2100 local zombie Democrats will drink the Kool-Aid and give him their vote. Among those who will give him a vote is Alec Baldwin. Voting for the worst and most flawed candidate just because he is a Democrat is something that Alec Baldwin would do. But Baldwin can be forgiven because he is an actor and actors are not supposed to think.

The reason my candidate is not able to run until 2012 is because he is in the slammer and he will be busy until then paying his debt to society, which is more than you can say about a lot of politicians.

My candidate, Charles Manson, is a natural born leader. He led a group that committed the Tate-LaBianca murders in the 1960s. He, The Star will point out when they endorse him, is a Family Man. Surely you've heard of the Manson Family. He merely wishes to settle down in East Hampton and live a simple helter skelter life.

Mr. Manson, The Star will point out, is a perfect person to balance what's left of the East Hampton Town budget, as he has been able to save a great deal of the 11 cents an hour he has earned making license plates over the last 40 years. Of course, the day after they help get Mr. Manson elected as a Democrat, we can expect an editorial in The Star saying: LOCK YOUR DOORS! CHARLES MANSON IS IN TOWN.

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

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