Gurney's Inn
November 07, 2007

Low Tidings

Polygamist Quits Job As "Prophet of God"

What's next, is St. Joseph gonna quit as "Father of Jesus"?

Warren S. Jeffs is the leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He renounced his role as Prophet after admitting to "immoral actions with my sister."

Ouch, that's what we want from our prophets. I have never been able to figure out how anyone could have "immoral actions" with his sister, especially a church leader. Maybe it's just me, but you would think a guy, having decided to take "immoral action" would seek out a really hot babe to do it with. I mean, if you're gonna piss off God no sense in settling for your sister.

One of the big problems I have with The Church of the Latter Day Saints is I'm fond of all the old saints, like St. Francis of Assisi, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Anthony, and all of them guys. I mean, what about Saint Christopher? One day, we give him a medal, next day it's like, sorry Chris, take a hike, we don't like you old guys anymore. And leave the medal on the alter, buddy.

To me it's not really fair to have all these people worshipping latter day saints and treating the veteran saints like they are chopped liver. In fact, I can't even think of any latter day saints except for maybe Princess Di and JFK and maybe, say, Liberace. So right away I'm wondering what kind of weirdoes join this church?

Well, let's take a close look at Warren Jeffs. Did I mention he is in jail? Yes, he was found guilty of being an accomplice to rape because he used his authority as church leader to force a 14-year-old into a "spiritual marriage" with the Hell's Angels.

Jeffs is also a polygamist.

Now most men have probably dreamed of being a polygamist, meaning you have, like, seven extremely attractive sexy babes who follow you around waiting to satisfy your every need. It sounds good in theory. Think Hugh Hefner with seven rings.

There is even an HBO show, "Big Love," that plays into the fantasy, where-in Bill Paxton has babes like Chloe Sevigney and Jeanne Tripplehorn for wives and children that say stuff like, "Mother Number Five, can I have a dollar for the movies when you're finished servicing dad?"

Yeah, it sounds pretty good, all right. Until you actually see a polygamist. Instead of starlets and model-types they usually are married to seven women who look like they descended from assorted bovine families, woman named Mildred and Heifer and Gerta. They all wear hideous house dresses that look like tents, they are unkempt with hairy feet and no make-up, and they hang around the house and pray to latter day saints instead of the good old guys.

This poor fool they are married to is praying, and he's praying hard, because he has to sexually service this herd with regularity or they will start mooing. It's an udderly distasteful state of affairs in my opinion.

So anyway, Jeffs is in jail – and probably happy to be there – when he goes into a trance and describes himself as a "wicked man" on videotape. He then quits his job as prophet, even though god was paying him a six-figure salary and he had health insurance for him and the seven cows plus a pretty nifty retirement package.

This is when it got really wacky. The church faithful refused to let him go. Imagine 10,000 people who worship latter day saints like Liberace rallying behind a wicked pervert who can't even keep a steady job in Heaven. That's what happened. One said God was "testing him." This, to me, is crazy. If God wants to test someone he doesn't send seven ugly women to sleep in his bed, he just makes him take the SATs on Saturday morning. God says stuff like "Prophet, hear me now. Take two Number 2 pencils and go to this address . . ."

Jeffs, despite the pleas of his faithful, will probably find it difficult to stay on as church leader, being that he faces life imprisonment and all. By the way, if you are puzzled by all this, consider all the members of this church used to be Mormons, which says a lot. It also means they are from Utah, which means they don't drink beer, they don't smoke dope, but they have sex with their sisters and worship Liberace. What a freakin' life.

Sure, I used to dream of being a polygamist. Then reality set in:

"Honey, take out the garbage!"

"Honey, take out the garbage!"

"Honey, take out the garbage!"

"Honey, take out the garbage!"

"Are you STILL watching football?"

"Are you STILL watching football?"

"Are you STILL watching football?"

"Are you . . ." well, you get the idea.

Reading this story made me really proud to be a Catholic, because these people are f**d up, man, with the cows and the new saints and all.

I'm proud I live in a world in which the congregation appreciates St. Peter and St. Francis and all of the saints from the old days. I'm proud to say I have only one wife, but she's a pretty one and I don't have to milk her. I invite Old Saint Nick to take all the presents he was gonna give to those people who don't worship him and drop them off at my house.

Site Search

2107 Capeletti Front Tile
Gurney's Inn