Hardy Plumbing
October 31, 2007
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Kiss & Tell


Gold Diggers And Fatists


I recently received one of those forwarded e-mails that goes something like this:

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a restaurant. She stared at the wine coolly for a second then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000-acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

The reason this e-mail is forwarded with glee by men to other men is the abhorrence of what they call a gold-digger, a woman who is only interested in wealthy successful men. So what is the name for a man who is only interested in young, attractive women? Well, we'd just call him a . . . man.

Here's my version of the e-mail:

So an attractive man with salt and pepper hair is sitting in a restaurant and the waitress stops by to offer a bottle of Merlot and says it is compliments of the lady across the room. The lady is in her early fifties, about 30 pounds overweight, and wears a cowboy hat. She has a lovely smile. The man writes a note and hands it to the waitress, ogling her tight ass as she walks away.

"Get real. If you were 30 years younger and had a jeans' waist size of about half what you do now and had long blonde hair I might accept this Merlot."

The woman nods and sends back a note as she exits.

"Actually you just perfectly described my daughter who just won the Miss Montana contest and recently sold her Internet start-up business to Viacom so she can fund her center to help autistic children. She's looking for a man of character who will treat her and the world with respect, and even for a man as handsome as you wouldn't compromise her values. Why don't you share the bottle with the waitress, she seems more your type."

The world is harsh and like it or not women are unfairly judged on physical beauty and men are unfairly judged on their career success. Yet when a speed dating evening is set up where women are picked from headshots and men are picked from tax returns, the media goes crazy about this offensive ritual. Hello, have you ever been at Bamboo on a Thursday night?

On one male advice website a successful man in LA describes how he uses his truck instead of his Porsche to pick up a girl on a first date. He then takes her to a tacky cheap restaurant. This is to ferret out gold- diggers. So then should this very attractive girl not shower for a few days and show up as a mess in sweat pants to make sure he's not just after her for her good looks?

What the Merlot e-mail joke does not take into consideration is that a successful man without a generous spirit is worthless. If he won't let her drive the Mercedes because he's afraid it will get scratched in the parking lot and doesn't want to spend "his" money on things that are important to her and is too busy to enjoy those lovely vacation homes, it doesn't matter. The same goes for what is behind a pretty face. Is the woman attractive because she's a yoga practitioner and eats a healthy diet and has a lovely sense of style or is she an anorexic who uses starvation and cigarettes to maintain an unnaturally svelte form and won't leave the house without a designer label?

In either case you have to dig a little deeper and get to know who someone really is. You may just find that he or she simply doesn't care for Merlot.

You can find more of my writing at HamptonsHeather.com or drop me a note at kissandtellhb@hotmail.com.

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