October 24, 2007
News Item: President Bush
Meets With the Dalai Lama
I would've liked to have been a fly on the wall for this one. Bush is apparently the first American president to meet with the Dalai (or is it the Lama?), who is a bitter enemy of the Chinese. To be honest, I'm not sure who or what the hell the Dalai (or is it the Lama?) is. To me he is kind of like the Maharishi was to the Beatles, in other words, a guy you go visit and light up the hookah with. I just hope Bush got some of that great Tibetan hash from the Dalai (or is it the Lama?)
Bush: Welcome! Welcome to the White House! Can I get ya a beer?
Dalai: My nourishment comes from within.
Bush: Hell, I was jes kiddin.' Do you want a rug to sit on or just the floor or what? I can't cross my legs like you people do – I got hurt when I was in the Naval Reserve.
Dalai: I am comfortable in the chair of life.
Bush: Hey, wanna watch a football game?
Dalai: If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.
Bush: Ah, never mind. I guess you people like to git right down to business. OK then: Israel is a staunch ally of these great United States, and by giving your country military aide we would betray the trust they have in us.
Dalai: Sir, love is the only weapon I need.
Bush: Ain't you from Palestine?
Dalai: No sir.
Bush: Well, whatever. Can I count on your people to come fight with me in Iraq?
Dalai: We do not bear arms.
Bush: No matter, hell with them there sandals on you'd fit right in. Suit yerself. Hey, wanna hear a good Richard Gere joke?
Dalai: You mean, the one about the rodent traveling through the tunnel of darkness?
Bush: Well, that's not the way I heard it. The story I got was this here fella . . .
Dalai: Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives.
Bush: Good! I'm glad to hear you ain't hangin' 'round with that character anymore! Hey, I hope you'll join the Misses and me for dinner. I figured you were a picky eater so I told her EX-o No go on the pork casserole, to find you some roots and leaves and shit like that.
Dalai: The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.
Bush: Me, I'm gonna have me a good 'ol Texas Steer!
Dalai: Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Bush: You're right, maybe I'll lay off the Key Lime pie. Hey, let me ask you a favor. Some of the other Republicans are a little down on me 'cause elections are coming and I ain't very popular no more. I was wonderin' if you could say something good about us. You are a Republican, ain't ya?
Dalai: There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness.
Bush: I shoulda known you wasn't, wearin' a skirt and all. Christ, you're one of them Dems fer sure.
Dalai: In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher.
Bush: You can say that again. That's why I spread all them rumors about John Kerry bein' a coward! Really got him, huh?
Dalai: Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
Bush: Yeah, I'm kinda figurin' that out right now! So what exactly does bring ya hear, Dolly?
Dalai: Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life.
Bush: So you're one of those wacky dog people?
Dalai: Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.
Bush: OK. Anti-gun legislation. Is that what yer after?
Dalai: I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.
Bush: Now I get ya. You want to repeal Daylight Savings Time. I got some farmers want the same thing. Maybe we can make some hay on that one. OK, let's say I pull the plug on the whole moving the clock ahead bit. What else do you want?
Dalai: The purpose of our lives is to be happy.
Bush: Now wait a second, fella! I admit to smokin' my share before I found Jesus, of course – but hell, I can't legalize hashish, the Southern states would go wild! I could get ya some pot if you have glaucoma. You do, right? (wink, wink)
Dalai: Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.
Bush: OK, consider it done. I'll have the Surgeon General write ya up a prescription.
Dalai: Would you like to meet my friend Richard Gere before I depart?
Bush: I ain't shakin' hands with that guy!
Dalai: It is necessary to help others, not only in our prayers, but in our daily lives. If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them.
Bush: Awright, awright! I'll git him some pot, too. Now git him outta here before he sits on one of the chairs. Hey, one last question: You embrace Jesus, don't you?
Dalai: We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection. All major religious traditions carry basically the same message.
Bush: I'll take that as a yes!
Dalai: May the turds of 1000 camels find their way into your scrotum sack.