September 26, 2007
IN BED WITH BILL AND HILLARY
"What are you doing in my bedroom?"
"Me and Little Willie thought we would pay you a visit and play that game we used to play when we were in Arkansas years ago. You know, you be the country and I'll be the President. Or, if you want, we can play a new game. I'll be country and you can be the President."
"You pervert. If you don't leave my room right this minute I'm going to scream. I warn you, the Secret Service is right outside my door. They're armed and they're here to protect me."
"But honey, I used to be the President and I'm pining for ya."
"Well, you better stay away from me."
"But honey, it's been so long."
"Cool off. I'm expecting a headache any minute."
"How am I going to cool off?
"This is how to cool off. Repeat after me: Janet Reno. Janet Reno. Janet Reno."
"Now honey, the rest of the country has forgiven me for lying to them. When are you going to forgive me?"
"I'll forgive you when George Stephanopoulos grows a foot taller and plays center for the New York Knicks. . .
"I'll forgive you when Bill Gates joins the convent of The Little Sisters of the Poor...
"I'll forgive you when Rudy Giuliani announces he is going to replace Mother Theresa and move to a leper colony. . .
"I'll forgive you when Mahmoud Ahmadinejad becomes the head of the UJA. . .
"I'll forgive you when. . ."
"Okay, okay, Hillary. I get the picture. I'll leave and go back to my room and make some 1-900 phone calls."
"Wait, don't go. I still have some use for you. I want to bounce some things off of you."
"Now you're talking. That's just what I had in mind."
"Not that, you letch. I want to know what I can do to improve my approval ratings. Half the country wants me to be their President and the other half vomits when they hear my name."
"Well, you announced your health plan which says every man woman and child in the nation will get health care whether they are sick or not. But honey, why don't you call for full coverage for pets. Veterinary bills are out of sight and there are many sick dogs and cats that should be covered."
"Great, I'll do that. What else?"
"How about announcing that when you are President, you will immediately call for a Holocaust bombing of Iran."
"How does that work?"
"That means you drop the big one on that putz Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, kill a few million people, then you deny it ever happened and give it the old, "It will take additional research to figure out how all those people in Teheran died.'"
"Not bad. What else?"
"How about a cell phone and an iPod for every American man woman and child? Paid for by the government. If elected, you will nationalize Apple and the phone companies. They're making too much money anyway."
"What about Israel?"
"I say you offer to move Israel to Utah, where it's beautiful. Give every Jew the choice to be a Mormon and have up to ten wives. And, presto, there will be peace in the Middle East and all those Arabs will be free to kill each other in the name of God."
"Good idea. You're getting close, Bill, and I'm ready to let you touch my thigh, but first you have to do one more thing to win me the love of all of America. Remember how popular I was when they tried to impeach you and I stood by your side, even though you had screwed around in the Oval Office? Remember how everyone saw me as the loyal, wronged woman?
"Well, it's time for those glory days again, Bill, for me and for the nation. And yes, I know she's put on some weight, but Bill, I want you to screw Monica Lewinsky on HBO. And this time while you're doing it I want you to look into the camera and say, `I am not having sex with this woman Monica Lewinsky.'
"That should put me over the top with the sympathy vote."
"Yes sir, and may I be the first person to call you Madame President."
"Come here, you big lug."
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