Gurney's Inn
September 26, 2007

Low britney

The problem with these little brats is that they get hungry again. I mean are we, as parents, expected to feed our children every single day? Hullo?
Leave Britney Alone!

First of all, I want to address allegations that I am fat.

You know, television is deceiving. Studies have proven the tube makes you appear, like, 78 pounds more than you really weigh. If you ask me, I looked pretty damn good for a mother of two, especially when you take into consideration the fact that I am heavily bloated from all the pills I pop and all that alcohol I suck down.

I really think the reaction to my performance on MTV was completely out-of-line. I have reviewed the tape and I thought I did pretty well. I mean, one critic complained that I was lip-synching. Hullo? The song has, like, eight words — am I supposed to memorize every freakin' one? I mean, what do I look like, a chiropractor?

I am getting sick of reading what a lousy mother I am. My kids are well taken care of, believe me. Just the other day I gave Sean, my little two-year-old, a peanut butter sandwich, some ice cream, and a glass of milk. My one-year-old had mashed carrots and Tater Tots. The problem with these little brats is that they get hungry again. I mean are we, as parents, expected to feed our children every single day? Hullo?

A lot of the critics think I'm over the hill. That's ridiculous! I am 25 years old! My whole life is ahead of me! I can still dance up a storm, even if my backside does weigh 146 pounds. I just kind of let it drag on the floor when I'm dancing. The other day I stepped on a male dancer's foot and fractured it in three places. That doesn't mean I'm heavy — it means he has weak bones.

A word about my ex, "K-Fed," that no-talent, spineless, drug-addled, pimple-faced moron. He tries to make it sound like he is the more responsible parent, that he should have custody of the boys. Let me tell you something: sure, I git shit-faced when I have the boys, as you would if you had to clean up those little dirtballs, change their diapers and such. But K-Fed, I mean, putting them on the bar and teaching them how to play Bar Poker? I don't think so. That's not good parenting. When I'm with the boys at the bar I focus on drinking, not gambling. I want the kids to grow up with good habits.

Now let me address the matter of that judge who wants me to submit to random drug testing. Your Honor, I am The Pop Princess. It is my god-given right to be screwed up on drugs. Look at Judy Garland. Look at Anna Nicole Smith. This is what we do. And if I can get hooked on drugs and have half the career those two starlets had I will consider myself a lucky woman. I admire Anna Nicole Smith. I look up to her. She was something, that one. So Your Honor, YOU sober up. YOU take the urine tests. I am a star. Drugs — it's what's for dinner.

I would like to clear up the misconception that I was photographed with no underwear on. That's a vicious lie designed to hurt me and undermine my career (such as it is!). I was so wearing underwear, a new brand of panties called "Bush Panties." I had them on that day. I'm cutting edge, baby. Now everyone will start wearing them, so lay off!

I am coming back, kids, and I'm coming back better than ever. I am going to lose, like, 80 pounds. I am going to tone down this big butt even if I have to chop the cellulite off with a meat cleaver. I am going to take dancing lessons so I don't look like a giant, drunken slug plowing through a field of Jell-O. I am going to finds some great songs, find some great gals with great voices to sing them, and then steal the tracks and say it's me like I did the last time I had a hit record. And then I'm going to hit the road and promote the shit out of it, even if I have to stuff those two little brats of mine in a freakin' suitcase and leave them in an airport locker for two weeks.

Finally, the hurtful allegations that I am a slut must be put to rest. I come from an extremely religious family, and now that I am a loving mom, it's doubly important to put these nasty rumors to rest. I AM NOT A SLUT! I have had sex maybe 300 times with at most, like, 220 guys. That's over the whole freakin' year! I have never been with more than, like, four guys at once, and I have never done "it" more than like six times in one day. Never!

When I was married to K-Fed we hardly ever did it! I mean, he's a male dancer, if you know what I mean.

I am Britney Spears. I am Pop Royalty. I am also a class act, a good mother, a Christian, and I was raised to be lady. So to all of you that say I'm a drunken piece of white trash: I shit on your faces!

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