Gurney's Inn
August 01, 2007

Jerry's Ink


So I started thinking (I'm a pretty smart guy), maybe I should start dispensing free advice. First person on my list is Eli Manning, quarterback for the New York Giants. Here's my message to him: Eli, this Michael Vick thing can be big for you. You know how all these Giants fans have been doubting you and making fun of you. Well, the Vick Pit Bull thing is your chance to prove how tough you are.

Let's face it, Vick is playing the race card and it's going to backfire on him. The NAACP jumped in and said punishing him for killing and torturing dogs is racist. Can you believe it? The president of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP, Dr. R.L. White Jr., criticized the prosecution of Vick at a news conference Monday morning. He accused the government of "piling on" because Vick is black.

Jessie Jackson, who wanted to hang those three falsely accused white kids from Duke the day after an alleged rape was reported, is now saying, "Let's not rush to judgment." It proves what I've always said: When it comes to idiots, God did not discriminate. You can find an idiot in any gender, race or creed.

But I digress. Eli, this is your opportunity to prove you're a tough white guy. And now that we know that white guys who electrocute, hang, drown and beat innocent dogs to death always get away with it because they're white, you have nothing to lose. Show the world how tough you can be.

So, Eli, here's my plan. All you have to do is call a press conference and while the cameras are rolling, you eat a live dog.

It doesn't have to be a big dog. I'm not talking Pit Bulls here. I'm talking about your eating a Chihuahua in public. Eli, it's a small dog. If you're up to it you may even go for a bigger dog and eat a Yorkie. Or a Pomeranian.

Can you see it? The press is there. You hold up the dog and say, "I know you've all been doubting me, but now I want to show you I'm a real man and Michael Vick is just a pansy." All I can say, Eli, is if he had the chance, and someone was paying him to do it in a commercial, your brother would do it.

While I'm at it, here's some free advice to the CIA: Guys, you're useless. Most of the world thinks you're idiots. You get blamed for everything and credit for nothing, so here's my plan. This will be a chance to for you to take credit for the one thing that's brought all of Iraq together the win of the Iraqi soccer team in the Asia Soccer Cup matches.

Apparently, soccer is the only thing that wins over religion in most of the world. So all you CIA guys have to do is spread the rumor that you were behind the victory. All you do is follow the money. I say it's very easy to believe a rumor that you got the Saudi Arabia team to take a dive in the final game. Why? The day before the big game The New York Times had a front-page story that started this way:

WASHINGTON, July 27 — The Bush administration is preparing to ask Congress to approve an arms sale package for Saudi Arabia and its neighbors that is expected to eventually total $20 billion.

Twenty billion at stake? No wonder the next day the Saudi team went into the tank and lost to Iraq 1 to 0. Coincidence? Sure, and the National Basketball Association had a referee who was betting on games but not making crooked calls.

Anyway Iraq went wild. Fourteen people died celebrating. Apparently in Iraq the real fans celebrate by pointing guns at each other and pulling the trigger. It is not known yet whether The New York Times will blame these deaths on the Bush administration.

Finally, some advice for my Republican friends. Want to drive Democrats crazy? Ask them how they can vote for a political party whose leaders would rather be politically correct than to protect our loved ones who travel on planes, subways and go into public places.

I'm talking about the John Doe law, which would protect tipsters who provide information about potential national-security threats. It's a bill sponsored by a good guy from our backyard, Republican Peter King. The bill would give people immunity from lawsuits when they report suspicious activity at transportation networks.

This bill will keep ordinary citizens vigilant for signs of terrorist attacks, and protect them from nuisance lawsuits and petty intimidations. It goes back to the Flying Imams incident in Minneapolis last November.

Six Muslim activists drew attention to themselves through loud and disruptive prayers in the boarding area, then acted very suspiciously on the airplane by switching seats, refusing to follow crew instructions, and requesting seat-belt extensions they clearly did not need, and which could have been used as weapons during flight. When they were kicked off the plane, they filed suit not only against the airline but also against the unnamed people who informed the airline of their behavior. King's bill would protect the whistle blowers.

Democrats don't particularly care to protect whistleblowers if it means offending Muslims.

The chair of the House's Homeland Security committee, Bennie Thompson (D-MO), who is reported to be as dumb as a post, said it would lead to racial profiling, which is ridiculous. The Democrats have stalled this bill, which lost by three votes. Thirty-nine votes, all from Democrats, kept it from becoming a law. Dodd, Biden, Kennedy, Kerry and Menendez, among others, think profiling is worse than your death by the hands of terrorists.

To their credit, Senators Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer voted for it. Worse, Obama showed what a great fearless president he would make. In a rare Profile In Courage move he copped out and didn't vote. My fellow Republicans, take heart. Never underestimate the ability of the Democratic party to shoot itself in the foot. Actually, I don't mind them shooting themselves in the foot, but why are they insisting on shooting us all in the foot at the same time?

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