Gurney's Inn
July 25, 2007

I'm in deep doo-doo in skool.

It's all because that newspaper did an article about how stoopid wese are and how badly we did in the Regency exams. Now our skool superintendent, Docktor Bomboleeni, is coming down hard on us. (I should point out he is not a real doctor just a pretend doctor like Docktor Martin Luther King, who at least gave us a holiday.)

Anyhow, Bombo sents a letter home telling our parents we have to study and do homework on weekend cause-in the newspaper made us sound like a bunch of Tardos. So my Mom says Petey, yer staying home to do yer skoolwork this weekend and I'm like duh, no, like, I drink beer and smoke pot on weekends, remember? Hullo? Anyone home?

So she tries to make a pointment with Bombo on Friday, her day off, to talk things over but it terns out Bombo is never there he takes off to Florida every weekend probably fer some special "Docktor" business we pay him like, a quarter-million to do.

He thinks wese stoopid! The truth is them Regency exams is like, stoopid. Here is a sample question:

Seattle is closest geographically to what city:

Los Angeles

San Francisco

San Diego


So I'm starin' at this thing and boom! I git the answer. It should be e) nun of above cause-in there aint no such city named Seattle but they like, trik ya by not giving ya the choice of "e" so of course we git it wrong.

So anyhows me and Billy and Scotty and J.P. all decide to skip History class yesterday and go cruising. Normally our teacher, Mrs. Fleming, doesn't even notice us cause-in she's about 80 and half blind. In fact, when she kalls on us we answer real quick "Yes Mrs. Oldgoat" and everyone laughs and she looks around and then checks the buttons on her sweater like we are laughin at her.

But this time we come back from bowlin and Mr. Bomboleena is standin there waitin fer us with the look on his face like, can actually be seen rising from his big fat square head. "This is why you do so poorly on the exams," he shouted.

"No," Scotty argued. "We don't do badly cause-in we skip skool we do badly cause wese stoopid!"

We don't skip Math class, though, cause Miss Baxter teaches us algebra as in al-gee-BRA! Cause-in that's whats we look at all day. "How do you divvide two into one!" we always joke. "How much is 36d times two!" "Can I carry those fer ya, Miss Baxter, theys look heavy!!" She jest smiles. She's really nice. Dumb though. Her Pappy is connected with someone on the Skool Bored so she got the job even though it took her like four years to get out of Munity College. Needless to say we didn't do well on the math Regency cause-in we was all starin at her at strict attention!

Basically, like, skool sucks, but hey, everyone knows that. There are bunches of little groups. The "cool" kids are all stoned and they play old peoples music and wear old clothes and act like they are intellectuals or somethin. The Latinos are all macho and they pretend they are in gangs but they don't understand hardly anything. The rich kids got iphones and ipods and SUVs and they also have connections so no one messes with them and they get good grades exceptin when it came time to take the Regency exams we found out they are really dumb too! Ha ha ha. Just like us Tardos!

So my mom is talking to Skips mom and we're like, homework? What's that? The way I figures it we gotta sit n that jail for six hours when we get out we should be allowed to enjoy mother nature and this beautiful environment by drinkin beer and getting stoned and passin out.

Mom says if I don't get my grade sup i'll never get into a good college and I'll get stuck at Munity College which I think is OK sis went there and shes got a good job at the mall and Uncle Jimmy went for two semesters and he is a freelancer (or is it freeloader?) now. Me, I'm hopin to git left back so I can get Ms. Baxter to tutor me! "Miss Baxter, can you like lean over my shoulder and show me how to make a right angle! Don't be obtuse!" Heh heh. "If you had two big knockers and took nun away how many are you left with?" Ha ha!

So Thursday Skeeter, Boone and me decides to git down to the ocean for some shorties and sure nough when wese git back whose waiting at the door but Dr. Bomboleeni (let me again stress he's not a real doctor though) and the principal and the skool nurse. "Wassup?" we ask, giggling.

"We'd like you to take a little test for us," Bombo says seriously.

We're like, yo, dude we jes took all them dang tests. Then Skeeter whispers, "How many times does three go into one BRA teacher! A lot!!!!" and we all start laughin again cause-in well, we had the giggles.

So they took us into a little room and gives us the test. But we fool em! We git high marks! Wese goin' to good colleges jest like the rich kids. I run all the way home to tell Mom.

"Mom, Mom i got the highest mark in the skool on my test! Mom Mom!"

"What test did you take, son?" she asked.

"The Breathlyzer test!"

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