July 11, 2007
Kiss & Tell
Do you remember watching cartoons about superheroes who could put up a force field to protect themselves? Or Wonder Woman who could just hop in her invisible plane (I still want to wear her costume) and just fly away? Well those of us who lived through the Fourth of July week in the Hamptons know we sure could have used some protection from all the negative energy. For anyone who stayed at home to watch the entire three seasons of "Grey's Anatomy" on DVD or fled to Norway, there was a horrible invasion here of aliens from the planet Itsallaboutme.
You could recognize them because what appeared to us as cell phones were actually important transmitters to their leader which are required to be on at all times. And apparently there was a kink in reception forcing them to speak in very loud tones to be heard over the intergalactic airways.
We know that these aliens choose to travel often on the Hampton Jitney where they ignore all three-minute warnings but it is rare to see them in yoga class. Yes, one of the female aliens was chatting on the phone in yoga class and she wasn't just chanting Om. It actually took several of us pointing out this planet Earth rule to get her to turn off her transmitter. We thought she'd decided to leave and locked the door behind her but she pounded for re-entry. She scared us, and we let her in.
Another thing about the aliens from Itsallaboutme is that they fiercely worship their deity which appears to us as a small nasty dog. They shower their petite gods with decorative items like jeweled collars with matching cashmere throws and parade them through the streets in expensive leather purses. Often hostesses as restaurants fail to recognize their holiness and deny them entrance, citing health codes. The aliens quickly correct them of course, insisting that their doggy deities are "only three pounds and in a bag," not at all the same as some clunky earthbound, ball-chasing, ride in the back of the pickup truck lab.
Something else you may not realize is that the younger of the Itsallaboutme aliens have a strange biochemical process which affects them through puberty and causes them to be allergic to almost all earthly food except bagels, pizza and pasta. As one poor teenage girl alien tried to explain to the waitress after perusing the four page menu, "But there's nothing here I can eeeaaaatttt," as she tossed the offending document back in her face. The poor waitress was then even further flustered by her Itsallaboutme ignorance as the adult aliens at the table would not stop talking on their cell phones when she was trying to take their order.
Now I think that some of you are probably thinking, "Yeah, I think I saw some of them aliens the other day." And I bet you think you saw them driving. Bingo. While the Hummer is almost a dead giveaway, others drive different vehicles but their intergalactic planetary driving license entitles them to entirely different road rules.
As I was sitting at a light waiting to make a left turn, one of them passed me on the right and cut in front of me to make the left, perfectly acceptable driving on Itsallaboutme. I got angry and honked but the only response I got was a dirty look from the small decorated deity hanging his coiffed head out the window. My bad.
The problem is that many of you earthlings see these aliens from Itsallaboutme and in observing their behavior comment, "My god, their heads are up their ass," and you know what? You are entirely correct. And when you imagine what it would be like to sit on your brain all day long and worship a god who pees on your rug and have a ruler who never lets you get off the damn phone you might have a bit more compassion for these aliens. And after all, that's what we mere mortals are known for.
You can find more of Heather's writing and her blog at HamptonsHeather.com or drop a note to firstname.lastname@example.org.