Gurney's Inn
July 11, 2007

Jerry's Ink


In case you were wondering why the new East Hampton Press newspaper appears to be cleaning The East Hampton Star's clock, go no further than last week's East Hampton Star's editorial page. This is the first paragraph in their lead editorial on how happy The Star is about the piping plovers ruining the July 7th fireworks display on Main Beach for everyone:

"For a second time, endangered piping plovers have forced the postponement of the fireworks at Main Beach in East Hampton, and around this office, at least, the feeling is that this is just hunky-dory."

The Star editorial went on to say:

"We are not going to kick sand in the wee faces of the piping plovers — or, for that matter, of the United States Fish and Wildlife Service, whose responsibility is to enforce federal endangered-species laws. On the contrary, we send our congratulations to the many people responsible for helping the tiny, quirky shorebirds continue to breed on our beaches."

My guess is the "many" people responsible for helping these creepy little birds boils down to one person – The Bird Woman of the Hamptons, Latisha Coy, who I'm convinced won't stop until the beaches of East Hampton are closed for the summer to every man, woman and child.

The tree-hugging Star also published a story where it was claimed (falsely, I am told, by someone who was actually at the event) that a Ralph Lauren press event on a beach in Amagansett caused a "Plover Incident" that the Feds refused to pursue.

The article stated that the incident occurred at a "June 6 press event at which a new Ralph Lauren cologne ran afoul of nesting piping plovers. Drivers were said to be zooming around the beach in Land Rovers and causing the endangered shorebirds distress."

The story went on to say:

"Latisha Coy, a staff member of the Natural Resources Department who oversees protection of the shorebirds, said yesterday that the day before the event there had been six pairs of plovers in the area. The day after, she said, there were three."

Did Ms. Coy find three pairs of dead plovers? My guess is no because the Star would have had giant front page headlines which would have read:


The subheads would have read:

Flags Lowered As Hillary Clinton Rightfully Blames Tragedy On Bush/Cheney Hatred Of Our Fine Feathered Friends

Latisha Coy Calls For The Death Penalty For Ralph Lauren

The fact is Ms. Coy didn't find any dead birds. For all we know the plovers were hiding from her. I would hide from her. Which begs the questions, "Don't these frigging birds have wings? Don't they fly? Does Ms. Coy have a life?"

Having said that, I must admit that I could use Ms. Coy to do a bird count at my home. The other day I counted four sparrows hopping around on my front lawn. I turned around for just a few seconds and when I looked at my front lawn again the sparrows were gone. Like Ms. Coy I immediately suspected fowl play. What made me even more suspicious, I might add, was that I was wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo shirt at the time.

However, my two lovebirds, Tony and Carmella, who I've kept inhumanly incarcerated in a birdcage for years, were still there.

This gives me an idea. If Ms. Coy cannot keep track of her little birds, I would gladly contribute towards buying a bunch of itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, tiny plover birdcages, so that these little bastards can be present when Ms. Coy takes attendance.

And as for Mr. Ralph Lauren, I have this message:

Ralph, you have won my loyalty. I will, in the future, continually douse my fat, unappealing body, with your new Lauren cologne. And, Ralph, since you are buying most of Main Street in East Hampton, would you consider going into business with me in a new, high price, gourmet delicacy store we can call . . . PLOVES AND FISHES?


Despite what Hillary and that fat pig Michael Moore are saying, socialized medicine sucks.

Clearly the failure of these eight Al Qaeda doctors to blow-up nightclubs in London and themselves at the airport at Glasgow is a stunning defeat for socialized medicine.

In the UK, under socialized medicine, doctors are paid less than those goofy kids who are behind the counter at McDonalds in Manorville. What's worse, they can't afford to have a nurse so they have to do everything themselves.

The towel-head doctors who were part of the Al Qaeda plot to bomb and kill innocent people, and themselves, were pathetic. They couldn't figure out how to build a bomb that would blow up. Why? Because under socialized medicine they didn't have what American doctors have – nurses.

Everyone knows that in America most doctors can't function without their nurses, who really do everything.

In America an extremist doctor (that's one who refuses to play golf) would first have written a suicide note that no one could read. Then he would have called his nurse in and said, "Show me how to blow myself up and please make a bomb, set it and leave." His nurse would have prepared the bomb with a little smile on her face, left the room and the next sound you would have heard was BOOM.

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