June 27, 2007
OBSERVATIONS FROM A TROUBLED MIND
So what is it with me?
Why does my mouth work faster than my brain?
The other night I embarrassed my daughter Jessie in front of a guy who may or may not be a boyfriend. I was sitting in my kitchen, alone, eating my dinner and watching television. I had marinated two pork chops in ginger, garlic and soy sauce and sautéed them with hot spicy peppers. They were delicious. My mouth was on fire because I was also drinking a pepper vodka martini and was eating many, many vodka-laced olives that were stuffed with Jalapeno peppers.
Then the doorbell rang. My daughter Jessie rushed down the steps and said, "It's for me. It's for me." So I continued to watch television.
Then my daughter said to me, "Dad, I want you to meet Isaac."
I looked up and saw this giant (he's a football player) extend his hand, which was about four times the size of my hand. He grasped my hand and my hand disappeared.
"Hello, how are you Mr. Della Femina?" he said.
That's when I blurted out, "Actually, I think I'm gay. I've been watching this Judy Garland special on Channel 13 for the last hour. She's singing duets with Barbra Streisand and Ethel Merman and I just love it."
Then I looked at Jessie, who was staring at me in horror, and I watched her right eyebrow shoot up so high I thought it was going to jump right off her head.
Jessie shook her head and then her mouth moved. Some people would say it was a grimace. I would like to think it was a smile.
The way I see it, our children torture us for the first 21 years of their lives, and then it's our turn, and we have the next 40 or 50 years to torture them back.
BLOOMBERG, FORMER REPUBLICAN
The other night I was asked to appear on MSNBC and talk about Hillary Clinton's "Sopranos" commercial.
I thought it was a brilliant commercial and could go a long way towards thawing out her image as an ice queen. I will now reveal why I really did the show. It gave me the opportunity to say on national television:
"I always knew that Michael Bloomberg was not a Republican.
He has too much money to be a Republican."
BET I CAN MAKE YOU WINCE
I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I do have the ability to string words together and get a reaction.
For example, I will bet that I can get every reader of this column to wince in the next 10 seconds. It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat or a Republican or if you're straight or gay. I will make you wince just using seven words. Here goes. Close your eyes and imagine:
Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore having sex.
PARIS HILTON'S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW IN THE INDEPENDENT
It's not going to happen. The skank turned us down for Larry King. The fact is, Paris is an idiot. Her grandfather, Conrad Hilton, could run a hotel but he was no rocket scientist, either.
My favorite story about him was when he was being interviewed by someone on television (it may have been Charlie Rose), who asked him, "Mr. Hilton, you are the greatest man in the history of hotels. Is there something you want to share with the world that would give us some indication of your philosophy and your dedication to the world of hospitality? What would you like your thousands of guests to remember?"
Hilton paused and then said, "There is something I want everyone to know. When you are taking a shower in a hotel, always remember to keep the shower curtain inside the tub so that you don't wet the floor."
The plovers have little pea brains, but that makes them so much smarter than the powers that be in East Hampton Village.
These little terrorists (there are only 10 or 12 of them) should be picked up carefully and moved to another part of the beach and then all of us can enjoy the 4th of July fireworks. Words cannot tell you how much I hate these little bastards, so I've decided to do it with this photo cartoon that I've put together (above).
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