Hardy Plumbing
May 23, 2007
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Jerry's Ink


I'M DEPRESSED


Why is it, that when a couple is married for 10 years or more, the wife decides she knows better than the husband what's best for him?

It's never the other way around.

I would never tell my wife, The Beautiful Judy Licht, what to do, but she is always telling me what's wrong with me, what to do about it, and how to live.

What is it with women? They want to share everything.

Judy's doctor gives her calcium for bone density. She insists I need the same pill or my arms and legs are going to fall off.

She goes on a fad diet where they deliver a black pouch to our front door containing teeny weenie portions of food I wouldn't give to our dog, Oreo, and she insists I go on the same diet.

She exercises with water aerobics and she wants me to do the same.

I'm fighting back. I now wear a T-shirt that reads:

EXERCISE HARD

EAT RIGHT

DIE ANYWAY

Then, of course, Judy plays the "depression" card. Unless I'm smiling like an idiot every second of every minute of every hour of the day, Judy says, "You're depressed."

"No, I'm not," I answer with a smile.

"Yes, you are," she insists. "Is it age-related?

"OK, OK, you're right," I answer. "I'm depressed and it's age-related. This morning I looked into the mirror and realized I have reached that age and stage where the hair in my nose is growing faster than the hair on my head."

She shook her head. "Making jokes like that is a sure sign that you're depressed."

"But everything I do is a sure sign to you that I'm depressed. This is depressing me."

"See?"

"See what?"

"See, I told you you were depressed. What's depressing you? You can tell me."

"Nancy Pelosi. She gives me the creeps. I'm also depressed by the fact that 'The Sopranos' are down to their last two shows and I won't be watching Tony screwing Russian hookers, Polish hookers, Bada Bing pole dancers, real estate women, women car salespeople, his best friend's girlfriends and on rare occasion, his wife Carmella.

"I'm depressed that he never nailed Dr. Malfi. I'm going to miss watching his fat sweaty body on a different woman every episode while I'm sitting there in my living room eating my pasta. I already miss Pauly Walnuts.

"I'm depressed over every Democratic presidential hopeful but Bill Richardson. I'm depressed over every Republican presidential hopeful but John McCain, Rudy and, if he runs, Mike Bloomberg. I'm depressed that the New York Giants do not have a left tackle. I'm depressed that Bush is not considering Joey Buttafuoco to head up the World Bank.

"And as I said before, I'm depressed over this white hair that is growing wild in my nose even as we speak."

"You're impossible," she said and stormed off.

I thought I handled Round One well until later that day. I was in our bedroom reading when Judy called out to me from another room in our house.

"Jerry! Jerry!"

"What? What?" I jumped up and out of bed because when Judy calls me she always has the same frenzied tone.

Is she just going to tell me something that will amuse me? Or did she trip and is dangling off the side of our staircase in danger of plunging four stories down and I should run as fast as I can to save her? "Jerry! Jerry!" she repeated again, with the same urgency.

"What? What?" I screamed.

Then she said, "There's a book I want you to read."

OK, it was about a book, so I realized she wasn't in some kind of mortal danger.

"What?" I said, trying to hear her.

"There's a book I want you to read." This was followed by silence. One minute went by Ė now another minute went by.

"Judy! Judy!" I called out. I could hear her on the computer. "JUDY!!" I finally screamed.

"What?" she said, annoyed at the sound of my voice interrupting her, as she had gone on to another subject.

"Judy, you just told me there's a book you want me to read, but you never told me the name of the book."

"Oh, yes," she said. "There's a book I want you to read. It's called Driven To Distraction."

"Oh," I said, "and what's it about?"

"It's a book about A.D.D (Attention Deficit Disorder)."

"Why do I have to read that?"

"Because I think you have an attention deficit disorder."

I swear this is true, I can't make this stuff up. She forgot mid-sentence to tell me the title of the book and went off to another subject, and she thinks I'm the one who has an attention deficit disorder.

Finally, something that truly depresses me. She wins again.

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

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