May 23, 2007
Kiss & Tell
The Horny Heiress
The horny heiress is every woman's worst nightmare. While you won't find her splashed across the tabloids (although the horny heiress in prison gives rise to a whole other set of fantasies) you will find her lurking as a figment of imagination in the corner of men's minds.
She tends to appear when you've just come home from a long day at work and plop down on the couch in exhaustion, kicking off your sensible shoes and saying to your guy, "Whoo my feet stink." She also tends to poke in her Bergdorf Blonde head when the two of you are arguing about saving money by dropping HBO now that "Sex and the City" isn't on anymore, and he says "No way, not before 'The Soprano's' finale."
Many relationships are brought down by fights about sex and money, but the horny heiress has an unlimited abundance of both. Real women can never live up to the fantasy. She is always ready for an exciting romp at the end of the day, never tired or distracted because (hello?) she doesn't work.
Stress produces a hormone called cortisol, which is a sexy buzz kill in women, and unless bad bikini waxes or a run on alligator Hermes bags can trigger it, the horny heiress is immune. For her proposals are men down on one knee, not the thing she slaved over for 48 hours to present to a new business prospect, and IRA is that sweet man who writes the musicals daddy loves so much.
The attraction of this virtual girlfriend to men is that she has both money and time. A successful working woman may be able to buy her guy a Porsche or a sailboat, but then she may be too busy to go for a ride. And depending on his station in life, he may feel threatened by her success. While many women with inherited wealth work quite diligently at family businesses, new ventures, or philanthropies, our fantasy heiress is youthful and carefree. Adjustable arms are on first class seats and sustainability is the power of her high heeled sandals to keep her upright after too many cosmopolitans.
Another reason it's hard to compete with her is because she always remembers to look at your guy, find his wonderful qualities, and compliments him on them. Because she's not angry he forgot to take out the trash, I mean gracious, that's the house boy's job, she sees the sparkle in his hazel eyes and reminds him how it just melts her heart when he gives her that look.
Bad gifts? No problem. She can buy her own. She just thinks it is so super sweetie weety that he remembered her birthday. Her twenty-fifth. How about PMS? Surely there must be times when she's bloated and bitchy? Nope. She pays someone to feel it for her.
But like Jessica Rabbit, perfection is not horny heiress' fault – she's just drawn that way. Yet the same can be said of the not-tonight-honey-I-have-a-headache working woman. It's not that she doesn't want to be a financially independent sex goddess, it's just a design flaw of modern life.
Instead of hating her, the trick for us gals may be to borrow the fantasy and nurture our own inner horny heiress. To find our joy and our passion and our impractical shoes. To approach, if not life maybe a Saturday, with a playful attitude to make it all about fun with our guy.
And if he's in a bad mood because of a problem at the office and his back is bothering him, then maybe you can see if that cute, strong but sensitive massage therapist/hedge fund manager is free.
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