Gurney's Inn
April 11, 2007

Low Tidings

An Interview With Rudy Giuliani

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani and his wife, Judy Nathan, have taken a lot of flak lately in the wake of revelations about their past personal lives, and also about Giuliani's status as a 9-11 "hero." The couple, which own a home here, sat down with 'Low Tidings' editor Hans Douchenberger to answer their critics.

LT: Mr. Giuliani, tell us about your relationship with Ms. Nathan.

RUDY: It was love at first sight. As soon as I met her, I knew that I had finally found love. Neither of us had ever been married before, so it was a new experience for both of us.

LT: Sir, you've, um, been married twice before. In fact, you have children.

RUDY: But they don't talk to me, so they don't count.

JUDY: Rudy, I need to tell you something . . . I was married once before.

LT: Actually, isn't it true you've been married at least twice previously?

JUDY: Can I take the fifth?

LT: This isn't a court of law.

JUDY: Can I drink a fifth?

LT: Mr. Giuliani, you were married to your cousin?

RUDY: Ha ha, yes, that was just a silly little dalliance. You see, we were playing doctor and I thought she was my sister and then . . . well, never mind, it's really not important.

LT: With all due respect, sir, the nation may be uncomfortable with a president who slept with his cousin.

RUDY: What about Jimmy Carter?

LT: Did he sleep with his cousin?

RUDY: He certainly had impure thoughts. I mean Christ, he's from Georgia, right? He took his sister to the prom. He has 32 dogs living under the porch. His brother Billy got left back four times — in the third grade. He . . .

LT: Let's move on. The families of many of the 9-11 victims have criticized you for painting yourself as a hero while shorting the fire department the equipment that would have saved many lives. Your response?

RUDY: That's just politics. Everyone knows Mayor Dinkins was responsible.

LT: For not supplying the department with the necessary equipment?

RUDY: For flying the planes. That was Dinkins!

JUDY: And Hillary!

LT: Let's talk about Hillary. Do you consider her a threat to your presidential aspirations?

RUDY: She must never be allowed in the White House.

LT: She lived there for eight years!

JUDY: Did you see those drapes? UGGGGLLLY! That woman has the taste of a bloated cow. Udderly disgraceful.

RUDY: And she has Al Qaeda on her payroll.

JUDY: And in her bedroom.

RUDY: She married her cousin.

LT: That was you, sir!

JUDY: She flew a plane into the World Trade Center!

LT: You said that was Dinkins, right? I'm beginning to think you have a credibility problem, sir.

RUDY: Nonsense. I always tell the truth.

LT: Let's talk about Bernard Kerik.

RUDY: Who?

JUDY: Was I married to him?

LT: Come on. Mr. Mayor, Kerik was appointed by you, was your business partner, and you've repeatedly supported him even after it became apparent he is a dirt bag with the moral fiber of a rotting fish head.

RUDY: Can't we talk about how I saved the world after 9-11?

JUDY: Let's talk about Hillary some more!

RUDY: Did I tell you how I fought back the Al Qaeda when they tried to invade New York City? I have the wounds to prove it.

LT: Where?

RUDY: My prostate. I had to have it removed after the war against terror.

LT: That's crazy talk. You didn't injure your prostate in the war!

RUDY: Did so! As a matter of fact I received the Royal Mayoral Medal Of Unbelievable Heroism in a ceremony at Gracie Mansion.

LT: But . . . you were the mayor. Who else was there?

RUDY: My cousins.

JUDY: My husbands, or at least some of them.

LT: Mr. Giuliani, what kind of president will you be if elected?

RUDY: A good one. Myself and Secretary of State Kerik will clean up Iraq and root out crime and stop illegal everything and fool around with my cousins.

LT: And Judy, what kind of First Lady will you be?

JUDY: Think nice drapes and tasteful dinner parties. I will be a great wife to my husbands!

LT: You love Rudy, don't you?

JUDY: Of course I do! He gave his prostate for his country!

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