Gurney's Inn
March 14, 2007

Jerry's Ink


So I wrote this "innocent" column a few weeks ago about Al Gore and Melissa Etheridge and the "greening" of the Academy Awards.

Well, let me tell you, the "merde" really hit the fan.

What follows is this sweet response from a woman, who shall remain nameless, (she sent her e-mail to me and not to this newspaper so I will call her "Ms. Blank").

Ms. Blank wrote:

I have a comment on the disgusting, crappy piece of hatred I just read in "The Independent." The section on Melissa Etheridge and the degrading comment / joke about lesbians really enraged me. It really is quite embarrassing when slime balls like you are allowed to air your pathetic, ignorant comments in a public forum.

I am a lesbian and I have never been so insulted by anything as what I just read in that article. People like you should really be sent off to some other planet to live. It's really disgusting to realize that such bigots still exist. I'm surprised you had no racist comments in there, I mean, since you want to insult one entire group of people, why stop there? I cannot wait until the day when ignorant morons like yourself are gone from this earth, then maybe one day, people will learn what respect and love for others really means.

It's a disgrace that that newspaper even allowed an asshole like you to even publish something like that. Men, well, really, you are not even what I consider to be a man. But it is men like you, who are shallow, dense, and completely insensitive that make me glad I went to women.

Now I usually don't write e-mails back to people who send me nasty e-mails but Ms. Blank's letter had to be answered and here's what I wrote back:

Ms. Blank,

Cut the sanctimonious crap.

Where were you?

Where were you when I started Straights for Gays, a group to fight for gays to get salaries equal to the salaries that straights were getting in advertising in the 1960s? Yes (Name) there was a time when a gay man or lesbian was paid less (and they took it) because advertising agencies felt they could pay them less just because of their sexual preferences. I fought against that and had and have more gay men and lesbians who have worked with me over the years than advertising agencies who were 10 times my agency's size.

Where were you when, for 17 years, I gave tens of thousands of dollars and hosted the annual Body Positive Fund raiser at my home in East Hampton to raise money for AIDS victims? The gay and lesbian community all showed up and contributed, where were you?

Where were you when I gave my assistant who was dying from AIDS $150,000 so that he could live his last year without having to worry about his financial situation and could afford the best doctor and hospital care?

The fact is the column was about the pontificating jerks who were at the Academy Awards show. One of then was, in my opinion, Melissa Etheridge who was calling Al Gore a saint when it turns out he uses 20 times more energy at his home than you and I do.

The column is about humor. I laugh at and make fun of everyone, mostly myself. Melissa Etheridge is fair game. If you laugh at, and make jokes about everyone, you don't hold back because someone is a lesbian, unless of course if you think they're "different" which clearly I don't.

Who gives a (expletive) if you went to women? Celebrate that you're a lesbian.

Don't celebrate that you're a prig (look up the word) without a sense of humor.

Also the paper is free. Don't pick it up and then my column won't outrage you.



On a more positive note let me pass on a golfing joke that should offend every woman whose husband plays golf.

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all 18 holes, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10 strokes. He was jubilant . . . then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messin' with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

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