Hardy Plumbing
February 28, 2007
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Jerry's Ink


Jerry's Ink



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THE AWARD FOR THE DUMBEST GROUP UNDER THE ROOF GOES TO . . .

Did you watch those idiots talking about the Academy Awards going "green" on Sunday night?

And that sad sack, fat guy they were all slobbering over, Al Gore — for crying out loud, he and Teddy Kennedy cast shadows so big they personally can shut out the sun and bring us back to the ice age.

Let's not forget those talented actors, those mental midgets who did their share to keep the awards show green. You know, of course, none of them drove up to the awards show in a gas-guzzling limousine. No sir, every star went green and peddled up on bicycles.

And you know Melissa ("I want to thank my wife and her four children!") Etheridge did not play the electric guitar. No sir, in the spirit of keeping it green she played the guitar the way God intended it to be played. Those wires coming from her guitar were for effect. They led nowhere, which is what a lot of Democrats reading this are saying about this column. Let me pause for a quick joke about the talented Miss, er, Ms., er, Mr.? Etheridge. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? (Drum roll please . . .)

Militia Etheridge.

Now didn't you love those "You too can prevent global warming" tips flashing on the (yuck) electric lights in the background when Etheridge sang her global warming song?

So, what would all these bleeding heart Democrats do if we were to really solve the problems of global warming by putting up nuclear power plants all over this country? They would march, scream and make movies against the only real solution. Nuclear power plants are like hiring halls for immigrant workers, nobody wants them in their own backyard.

Nuclear power plants which, granted, if they are not properly handled, can turn a lot of us into toast, are the real solution. With nuclear plants and fuel from corn and garbage and whatever else we can get to power our cars we would have the Arabs where we want them. Nuclear power plants will mean there won't be any greenhouse gas emissions — they would not pollute the air — there would be zero production of dangerous and polluting gases such as carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, aerosols, mercury, nitrogen oxides, particulates or photochemical smog.

But solve the problem in any other way than lowering your thermostat and putting on another sweater and Al Gore would produce another documentary and win another Academy Award and its title would be An Inconvenient Hollywood Solution.

So now I'm considering starting this group that basically sits around and worries about global freezing. This will be in opposition to Al Gore's group, which basically sits around and worries about global warming. I know December was warm but in the last few weeks it's been colder than a witch's er . . . er . . . "breast" in East Hampton, as well as the rest of the outside world.

* The global warming wimps say that there's a hole in the ozone layer caused by, among other things, the over use of aerosol sprays. They warn that in a thousand years, we're all going to perish in a big flood brought on by the hole causing the polar ice caps to melt.

* My group says that in the year 2096, there will be global freezing, and a block of ice will cover East Hampton and bury us all.

How can we be saved? I thought you would never ask! We must do everything in our power to make that hole in the ozone layer bigger before this summer and the next thousand summers are ruined. Therefore, it is the humble suggestion of the Della Femina Global Freezing Group that next Saturday, at exactly 7 p.m., every resident of East Hampton leaves his or her house, and at 7:03 p.m. we all start our cars and aim our hair spray cans at the sky and press down at the same time.

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

  1. print email
    WAS LEWIS CARROLL ON CRACK?
    March 26, 2011 | 04:38 PM

    Jerry...thanks for the many giggles and much laughter reading this column. I have just returned from seeing a play ("Lemonade") in Rochester with my own grandson in it. He, too, was the finest on the stage, and the most gorgeous. And 'tis true, 'tis true about poor Alice in Wonderland...
    Thanks...I needed that.
    From Fran

    Fran White
  2. print email
    Are you really so happy with the way things have been?
    August 01, 2011 | 08:56 AM

    I usually enjoy reading your column because you're funny sometimes, even though I rarely agree with you. Why bash alternative energy or the people trying to promote it? Solar has only been under-promoted in the last 40 years it has been available because if we make our own energy, the large corporations can't cash in on us. I therefore find the title "the independent" so ironic because you are promoting the cause of the corporations, who are NOT people, who have us increasingly chained, and are causing our chronic illnesses and gradual death from the pollutants they have been blithely able to spout for the last few years, being conveniently exempted from the laws meant to protect us, even you. Aren't you interested at all in the health and well being of your children and grandchildren ? ...and they wouldn't be cold if you had your own solar unit !

    Diane Lockspeiser
  3. print email
    I'm Feeling Sour
    November 14, 2012 | 11:47 AM

    Dear Jerry;Your column;Sour Grapes is one of your best. It made my day.Have you thought publishing a book of your columns? It'll be a bestseller. Bigger than Russell Baker,or Jimmy what's his name? I don't trust anyone in Washington;not even my relatives!!! Some of them are so LIBERAL in their thinking;I'm condsider leaving them out my will!!! Keep on writing. God gave you so many gifts. God Bless You,and God Bless America!!! Sincerely,John Vasilakos

    John Vasilakos
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    IMMIGRATION
    December 08, 2014 | 03:54 PM

    Read with interest your column about our immigration problem and could not agree with your op[inion. My mother immigrated from Germany in 1903-4. Her father came a couple year before that and went to West Virginia. He then sent for the rest of his family. He came here in a legal manner and became a citizen of our country. zhid eifer nd family also become citizens after according to the law at that time. They fulfilled all the requirements of the law. MY father's parents immigrated to the USA FRIM IRELAND around 1895 and settled in the BRONX. His parents also followed the law and became citizens. They were not given free medical care, there was no social security, they provided for their own medical care. My father fought in WWI, went on to medical school,graduated from Yale and had a practice in the BRONX. My moth left home at the age of17, went to Columbus Ohio and became a nurse. She then came to NY and met my father.
    Times have changed. They provided for themselves, arised a family and four of her boys served during the Korean War. Our country provided us an opportunity to go to school, work and raise our own families. We were not provided with free medical services, free social security benefits and our parents did not get free education of cost the citizens of this country an extra tax burden.
    I like the stories of your grandparents and they certainly worked for their families to provide a better life. They were nota tax burden as are the illegals today. Times have changed.
    My sister in law was brought to the USA by my family after my brother died in Japan. She became a citizen after several years and raised four children on her own. No free medicine or education. If people wish to come here let them do it legally and not be a drain on our country. Most do work hard, but I'm certain they take some jobs away from our legal citizens.

    ds

    MIKE O'BRIEN
  5. print email
    not trump
    March 23, 2016 | 10:54 AM

    You just lost a loyal reader, Me.

    jon forsberg
  6. print email
    Anti-Trump Article
    August 08, 2016 | 01:32 PM

    I always looked forward to reading your articles, until today.
    Thank God you pointed out that this election is about the future of our country. Wow!
    To describe yourself "as a good Republican and a good American" casting your vote for Hillary...please, do yourself and your readers a favor and join the Democratic or Socialist Party.

    Susan Smith
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