Gurney's Inn
February 14, 2007

Low Tidings

Infomercials We'd Like To see

(click for larger version)
Hi, I'm Lisa Nowak, a NASA certified astronaut. Sure, it's great to hurdle through space in a tiny capsule, dodging space debris and meteors, facing the real possibility that the capsule could collide into something and turn into a ball of fire. That's Lisa Nowak, the astronaut. But down here on earth, I'm just Lisa, a mom, a girlfriend, a regular person.

I try to be the best mother I can be, and the best girlfriend, too. So when I'm on my way to see my man, I depend on Depend adult diapers. My man deserves the best, and I know that when I'm racing 950 miles nonstop to see him I can rely on Depend. Those deep, absorbent pockets really do the job so when I get to him I'm as fresh as a daisy.

So if you plan on making a long trip to see a loved one, to go on vacation, or maybe just to tie up, abduct and kill a rival, I strongly recommend Depend, because no girl likes to be wet in the wrong places, tee-hee!

Hi, I'm Britney Spears and I want to talk to you new moms out there. Remember how excited you were during pregnancy, and how you couldn't wait to have your baby? I know I felt that way. But after a few months I started feeling depressed. Did you?

Part of it was I couldn't take off the weight I put on, and I started feeling like a bloated cow. Also, my husband didn't find me attractive. I became irritable and upset. I even lost patience with my darling little baby. When I found myself yelling at my precious darling, I knew I had to change.

Ladies, it's time to create a New You. No more sulking around the house. No more craving your husband's unrequited love. Ladies, do what I did — throw that bum out, put on a short skirt with nothing on underneath, and hit the night clubs. I used to be a haggard old mom with no life. Now look at me! I'm Super Skank! I'm the skankiest ho in the hood and I feel great!

Why should Paris Hilton get all the headlines? I'm twice as skanky and raw as that little bitch and if you don't believe it, take a look right between these! That's right, girls. The real thang. Wear it loud, wear it proud because your thang says to the world: "I'm a Super Skank!" Hey K-Fed, don't you miss getting a piece of this?

Hi, I'm Joe Biden and I'd like to talk to you about Sensitivity Training. Do you insult minorities? Do you despise people with different skin colors? Do you hate people who worship gods other than yours? Does the sight of foreign born people on our soil make you physically sick to your stomach? I know I was like that — but not anymore!

I had a problem, and I did something about it. I started the Joe Biden Sensitivity Training School. I received hands on treatment to help me get over my bias and judgmental attitude.

Why, after just three weeks of training I was able to: a) go to a synagogue, b) sit next to a real-life black person c) hire a Latino to clean up my yard.

For only $99 a week, you'll receive three hour-long classes on how to conquer your shortcomings. Informative classes like "Gay People Deserve to Live, Too," and "Asian People Are Really Human." My favorite was "Hindu Women Shouldn't All be Tortured."

I learned that all of us are god's children (well, most of us). And you will, too.

I'm Joe Biden urging you to take my courses and embrace a minority (but wash up thoroughly afterwards).

Hi, I'm Mike Tyson, da former heavyweight champeen of duh world. Communicating is da only way to get ahead in life. I know, because for too long I mumbled and stumbled because I couldn't express myself. Not any more, though.

Now I can hold a conversation about anything, from politics to science. Because I graduated from the Mike Tyson School of Elocution. I could recite the freakin' Gettysburg Address I talks so good. I sound like David freakin' Nevin. My Fair Lady done come to me for talking lessons.

I used to have no couth. I'd say stuff like "Yo, Bro, sell me soma dat crack!" Now, I've learnt good diction. Listen to me now: "Excuse me Mr. Dealer, but allow me to purchase some of that fine rock you're peddling." Pretty good, huh? I memorized more than four dozen sentences I can say and each time I sound like a Rhodes Scholar. Sentences like "No, officer, the gun must have been put in my pocket by an overzealous fan," "Of course I didn't bitch-slap that wench. Do I look like the violent type?" and "I didn't spend the alimony payment on crack, Your Honor. I donated it to my church."

People used to look down on me like I was a nothin'. Now, when I speaks, people listen — not just because I'll crush their freakin' heads if they don't, but because I sounds smart. The Mike Tyson School of Elocution. Try it risk free — money back if you're not speaking better in one week! Take it from Mike — you'll talk good, you have my word!

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