Gurney's Inn
February 07, 2007

Kiss & Tell

Buying Into Beauty

One of my favorite aspects of travel, of which there are very few these days, is the chance to catch up on fashion magazines. When deadlines are looming and a pile of books with titles like Getting The Love You Want, Emotional Clearing, and Machiavelli For Women are awaiting my leisure reading time, I simply can't justify curling up with Vogue, Elle or In Style.

Having recently logged a lot of frequent flyer miles with long layovers, I caught up with what is going on in the world of modern beauty. Little did I realize all of the hazards my skin, hair and lips faced on a daily basis from more than just sun damage, dehydration and a poor diet.

One study showed that the average woman ends up ingesting a little bit of lip product every time she wears it, totaling up to six pounds of lipstick over the course of her lifetime. That's around 708 tubes. So clearly we need to be a bit more concerned about what we're putting on our puckers as we'll end up eating these moisturizers, lipsticks and lip-glosses as if they were Jolly Ranchers. Luckily for the ladies a company has developed the Inside Out Lip Gloss infused with ingredients like green tea and grape seed extracts and vitamins A, C and E so we can slurp away.

I had heard about the concerns of cell phones causing brain tumors but I didn't realize that my trusty little computer screen before which I sit and pray to the creative gods for hours on end could be prematurely aging me. Clarins research revealed the link between accelerated skin aging and exposure to artificial electromagnetic waves. Thus they developed a product to combat the problem, Expertise 3P, which claims to mist the skin with an invisible veil to protect against this harmful penetration. Think face condom.

And then, who knew, there are the all important Ingrown Hair Eliminating Peeling Pads. How did I live without those? Clearly I have not paid proper attention to my unsightly intrafollicular lumps and bumps. I guess I was too busy snacking on my lip gloss.

I know for a fact that my medicine cabinet has never contained an advanced-technology adipose antagonist although I think my bed has seen a few. While caffeine can be considered a dietary health culprit it is apparently effective in fighting the most scary thing on the planet — not terrorists but cellulite. This Fatgirlslim cream claims to boldly bash blubbery areas. I wonder if I could save the money and just roll my butt around on my used coffee grounds in the morning instead.

If I decide that a tropical French island is the place to go topless, along with a high number SPF I can throw in my beach bag a 100 percent natural sagbagging serum with marine mineral and algae extracts to firm and raise my breasts. I thought this was what push up bras or headstands were for. Unless this is like liquid insulation, which is hosed in and expands to hold firm, I'm not exactly sure how this will work. I picture something like the chocolate topping, which hardens on Carvel ice cream.

We've come a long way baby from the Ivory Girl whose beauty routine consisted of soap and water. Blasphemy in the beauty industry. If you bought into all these products and their promised benefits you would have a full time job. If you were in front of the mirror instead of the computer screen all day you'd at least skip the harmful rays but the sheer insecurity of paying that much attention to your defects might put you over the edge.

Sure I could spend a fortune to erase my fine lines and thigh dimples and bikini line bumps or I could simply save all that money and use it for another trip — maybe to a nice full parka and facemask wearing populated place like Alaska.

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