December 27, 2006
The Boyfriend Whisperer
What should we do when our boyfriend is acting out? Our fatal flaw is that we turn to other women to help us try to understand what is happening inside a man's head. This is like asking your father to explain menstrual cramps or a vegetarian to describe the steak selection at Ruth's Chris. Clearly they have no idea.
The Year Of The Boob
It begs the question why someone behaving like an idiot is named after this multi-tasking female body part — you'd think someone who was called a big boob would be the most popular person at the party. Although I suppose men don't get any more respect for their genitalia since a bullying, inconsiderate person is referred to as a "dick."
Pop My Blackberry
Cyber emotions reduce "How do I love thee, let me count the ways," to :).
When a little girl dreams about her wedding she imagines the perfect dress, not the perfect groom. Like flowers, the band, and confetti, or as we get older, prenuptials, control top panty hose, and Valium, he is a mere accessory to the occasion of shopping for "The One."
Dating Tips I Learned From Fairy Tales
Snow White: Why date one man when you can have seven?
Let Them Eat Lobster Salad
One of the causes of our decline in the Hamptons is the confusion about the open space rule. People took this to mean within their houses instead of between them. Those six bedrooms must remain empty of children or guests 90% of the time and the uber kitchens are not to be used except for the transfer of takeout foods to plates.
The competitive sport of dating requires we be at our best with fantastic physiques, winning smiles and cutting edge fashion, but how far do we take it? If someone is starting to go a little gray, do they have an obligation to dye their hair? Is the beloved Members Only jacket meant for only members of the Salvation Army? If you haven't learned that lip liner should not be three shades darker than your lipstick should you be held back to first date?
Jugs And Puddles
The central question is if we put a man and a woman together in one head, would there suddenly be understanding and enlightenment, like "Aha, this is what you've been thinking all these years," or would it be like throwing a Coke can down a flight of stairs, full of explosive, messy possibilities.
Dear Class Of 2006
Remember that credit cards are like bad boyfriends — they're great when you're playing with them but you end up paying a high price in the end.
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" was a cautionary tale relayed by mothers who feared that if their daughters, the cows, gave away sex (their milk) for free then no man would feel the need to marry them. Now in the next millennium, this phrase is being used by relationship experts like Love Biatch who tells her reader that the guy who only sees her on a weeknight to watch a movie and have sex has turned her into the weekday ho, and she deserves more. So somehow we've slid from holding out for an all inclusive provider marriage to a Saturday night date with actual conversation.
Terrorists Took My Lip Gloss
With a love of high-heeled strappy sandals, I couldn't believe my shoes were still suspicious at security. I can't even comfortably fit my feet into them let alone plastic explosives.
Drink, Shop, Run
My belief in shopping is something akin to Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters — if you build the wardrobe, the life for which it can be worn will come.
Happily Ever After
Sure those Grimm brothers will tackle poisoning, enslavement and eating Granny a la carte, but would they tackle married life? Nuh uh, that's way too scary.