Gurney's Inn
December 27, 2006

The Best Of Hampton's Daze

The Fun World

This is the story of five girls who chose to live in a house and really think their lives should be taped, "The FUN World, Hampton Bays." Like "The Real World" but more funny and less drama.

We've talked in the past about how we would really like to become reality TV stars and become famous for no apparent reason except for the fact that we're interesting people to watch. We've figured out a way we can do this. All we need is a camera crew in our house (camera crew = one camera person with a camcorder because no one else will fit) to tape our every move. Basically, we are five single girls who live like frat boys. You can just call us Posh, Sporty, Scary, Baby and Ginger Spice because we really do represent the Spice Girls (FYI Jameson is Baby and Veronica is Ginger).

First of all, let us tell you about our house. It's a small cottage. We're guessing it was built in the year 1856. Nothing ever works. You can't flush the toilet without the Internet shutting off, and god forbid you have two air conditioners running at the same time, the electric in one half of the house won't work. Don't you dare try vacuuming when the computers are on and you better plan on toasting your bread in one of the bedrooms because the kitchen just can't handle it.

We have bugs, especially spiders. This is not a good thing when four out of the five girls suffer from arachnophobia. Veronica (Ginger) is the spider buster who saves the day at least four times a day discarding the eight-legged creatures. Just days ago Veronica's air conditioner flooded her room, which will probably lead to further electrical problems such as a FIRE before summer's over. There is also a little bit of a black mold problem going on in the bathroom which may mean we will not be alive next week to continue writing this column.

When the landlord rented the house they rented to two people, Veronica and Jameson. Earlier this week when the landlord unexpectedly showed up at the house wondering why there were so many cars in the driveway Scary Spice had to cover for us. "The reason why there are so many cars in the driveway all the time is because they go out a lot and they bring a lot of boys home," she says. Well, now our landlord thinks we're sluts, and that really doesn't explain why there is a bed in the sunroom!!

We pregame harder than we party. Sometimes this results in slight injuries, such as putting holes in feet with belt buckles and falling down stairs. And back to our point about us living like frat boys. The oven has never been used, the refrigerator contains very little other than beer, unless you include the eggs that expired March 30, and old MSG covered french fries from Yum Yum's (a.k.a. Yuck Yuck's) Chinese. We would guess our weekly recyclables accumulate to be enough alcohol to kill an elephant.

The other day the neighbors very nicely gave us some flowers to plant (probably because we're bringing down their property value big time). Hung over Sunday morning after The Drift, before getting ready to do it all over again at the Boardy Barn we decide to plant the flowers. "Let's plant them over there, right where that Publick House glass is, in the middle of the yard." How that got there we have no idea. Gardening continued until a spider was spotted.

It is always an adventure with the Spice Girls and there is never a dull moment. We're always blackmailing each other with embarrassing photos and having myspace wars. How is this not good television? Really, someone needs to pick us up before the summer's over and start filming; we guarantee you will not be disappointed. You wouldn't even have to pay us; we're only in it for the FAME!

Veronica and Jameson ventured out to their old stomping ground, East Hampton, the other night for dinner at Citta Nuova and drinks at Leif Hopes. We request everyone goes to Leif Hopes on Tuesdays. The bartender flips a coin for each drink you buy and if you guess right the drink is free!! That's a 50% chance you're getting a free drink. That's better than what we guess is a 40% chance that whatever boy you are talking to will buy your drink for you.

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