Hardy Plumbing
December 27, 2006

Low Tidings

The Best of Low Tidings

Here is the picture at The Independent: Consider management like the ruling party in an aristocracy, and me like a working peasant. They pile and pile the work on me while my knees shake and my muscles wither, then they pile on some more.

Old but proud, grizzled but determined, the mule chugs onward, the exhaustion almost overcoming me at times, while they eat pork roasts and sip from gold goblets with money earned from my toil, toil that will only mercifully end when I'm called up to my reserved spot by the feet of My Lord, Jesus (Christ, I hope he washed those freakin' things).

When the Longshoremen were in charge of the docks we didn't have to worry about bombs and stuff being smuggled into the country because they used to steal everything.

South Korea, Taiwan WIN WBC Openers

It was a perfect day for baseball when Taiwan faced off against China March 5 in the opening round of the World baseball Classic.

The Taiwanese lineup was Chen, C. Chang, C. Lin, Cheng, W. Lin, T. Chang Hu, Seih, Chan and Yang.

China countered with Sun, Li, Lu, Guo, Yang, Wang, J. Yang, Zhang, Wang, Z. Zhang and Chen.

Taiwan broke a scoreless tie in the top of the third. Chun Chang worked as walk off of Lin Wang, moved to second on a sacrifice bunt by Dong Chang, and scored when Jing Yang laced a line drive to right that eluded Bai Zhang.

The Yellow Devils broke it open with four more runs in the fourth, chasing Wang. Huang Chan doubled to lead-off the inning, and Yang singled him to third. Chan scored on Chen's double, and both runners scored when Cheng drilled a two-out single. That was all for Wang. Xu came in and yielded the fourth run when Chang knocked Cheng in.

The Yellow Devils made it a 7-0 affair in the top of the sixth when, after Chang singled, Heng Chen drilled a two run homer off of Ju Bu, who had replaced Xu to start the inning. Chen's blast landed in the bleachers in right field over the outstretched glove of Shui Guo. Bu motioned at Guo in disgust, apparently believing the rightfielder had a play on the ball.

Their season on the line and playing before a contingent of loyal fans, the Red Suns rallied.

Jing Chang, who replaced Lan Pan in the fifth, gave up a one-out single to Lin Li, and Ju Lu promptly doubled him to third. Lu then scored when Hai Liu's fly ball was misplayed by Lin. Liu scored when Wang ripped a grounder past Chang.

"Smells good," I said tepidly at one point as a foul odor wafted into the room. "Oh, that was my hair burning!" Karen said cheerfully.

Finally, it was time to eat. "Come and get it!" Karen yelled, obviously proud of the fact the house wasn't engulfed in flames. We walked single file, like prisoners might to the execution room. I hugged a few relatives and said my goodbyes.

Yes, this was an ugly woman, as in unattractive, which is an understatement. This is the kind of person who, as a child, may have earned nicknames like "Pussface" or "Psoriasis."

Exercise is essential. When watching television, I try to lift each leg off the floor and onto the couch, and then down again later when I have to go to the bathroom.

She made me soft boiled eggs — being it was Karen, they came out hard-boiled, like rocks. She even tenderly spooned me some with dry toast: "Most of us like it without the pieces of shell," I said quietly.

Let's set the record straight right up front: there are only two things Oprah Winfrey can do well: talk and eat. How she came to be the nation's leading arbiter of all things literary is yet another indication of a world gone hopelessly awry.

For those of you blissfully unaware, a huge controversy has blossomed after it was revealed James Frey's A Million Little Pieces should really have been titled A Million Little Pieces of Bullshit because he made up the whole freaking thing.

Hey, try this recipe from Big Buck Thorton:

One skinned squirrel or 'coon, butchered up into pieces and boned

Coat chunks of meat with salt, pepper and flour

Sauté the meat till it's dead

Place meat in a pot of water

Add carrots, taters and celery

A load of onions

Add a ton of salt, pepper and beer

Boil the piss out of it

Put in Gravy Master

Serve with beer and a loaf of bread and butter

That's good shit, folks.

"Do you know the average person farts 14 times a day?" she asked me at 6 a.m. the other morning. "Then I still have three left," I mumbled.

"Low Tidings" is a three-time winner of the New York Press Association's Best Column Award. Rick Murphy won four awards in NYPA'S 2005 Better Newspaper Contest, more than any writer in the state.

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