December 20, 2006
A Cup of Cheer
Isn't it fabulous how the Holiday Cheer catches up with you sooner or later every year? You may profess to disdain the whole Yuletide scene and bah-humbug everything from mistletoe to sleigh bells, but it'll get to you no matter what.
The Grinch gives way to the Santa Claus in all of us. How did we get from a group who worship a baby born in a stable with no worldly possessions to a tribe celebrating His birth in designer clothes, dripping with jewelry and driving to church in a Mercedes? At what point did those three Magi with their high-end tributes become pivotal characters in the whole Nativity tableau? It just goes to show you it's the good time Charlies who come shining through.
In the gay version of the story, those boyz couldn't linger because they had to get to the gym for a quick pump before they changed into their disco wear. In tune with the spirit, Boy George got Rosie O'Donnell a knife in the back, and she's sharing it with all the other girls on "The View." Jim McGreevy gave Golan Cipel a ball gag. Mark Foley asked Santa for a new e-mail address and a subscription to Boys Town Magazine.
Mike Jones got a nice Christmas bonus from Jim Haggart for "a job well done" and to reciprocate, Mike gave Jim a new crack pipe in the shape of Rudolph the Reindeer. (You fire up his red nose.) Tom Cruise set up a crèche in front of his house, but the infant looks like a little Asian girl.
Speaking of Nativity Scenes (how's that for a segue?) Mary Cheney, the lesbian spawn of Satan's little helper and big game hunter Dick Cheney, is expecting. So far, the happy mother and her life partner, Heather Poe, are remaining mute about who the father might be. The donor may be of superior stature, but anything involving petrie dishes or a turkey-baster is not considered Immaculate.
The story of an archconservative, who firmly believes in diminishing gay rights, having a gay daughter has always been filled with irony. Now that our Veep is going to be the grandfather (you'll note I hesitate to use the adjective "proud") of a lesbian couple's baby, it's almost too much to grasp. Let it suffice to say that this portends to awkward future conversations between mother and child about how grandpa and his Party did all they could to deny gay people the right to marry and form secure family units with equal rights.
Director of Family Pride, Jennifer Chrisler, was right on target when she commented, "Unless they move to a handful of less restrictive states, Heather will never be able to have a legal relationship with her [partner's] child." But you can count on the fact that the government will issue the little darling a Social Security number so "that all the world might be taxed."
Another tidbit in the whirl of year-end gay news was the shattering revelation that cutie pie (and ex 'N-syncer) Lance Bass was breaking up with his hunky boyfriend, and the focus of his 2006 outing, Reichen Lehmkuhl. Jimmy Kimmel said that Lance was in such deep mourning over the split that he'd dyed his blond tips black.
A lot of people said they knew this would happen because in all the pics of the couple, not only don't they look at each other, they don't even look at the same camera. Now it seems they're working on reconciliation. Lance says, "Reichen and I have gone through a few rough days. I have no doubt things will work out. We are very mature and deal with things in the right way." I guess once they worked out whose hair gel was whose . . .
When asked if the couple wanted to have an open relationship, Bass quizzed, "What the hell does that mean, anyway?" I think that means Reichen has an eye for the other boyz in the 'hood, Lance. And how will they rekindle their relationship? By rubbing two sticks together, of course. Happy New Years, readers! I'll have more top notch reporting for you in '07!