Gurney's Inn
December 13, 2006

Low Tidings

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The East Hampton Town Board Huntin' and Trappin' Guide

Want to be a true local? Then you have to eat like the Bubbies do. Everything you need to get started, including a skinning knife, a half-dozen traps and a map of the best spots to set your traps, including in the parking lot by the pizza place, right outside the candy store and the second pew of the Catholic Church. Bonus recipe book: Possum stew, Squirrel chili and Big Buck Thornton's Ratatouille.

The Moshe Dayan Commemorative Eye Patch

Jews and Palestinians alike will proudly wear this fashion accessory. What a way to "wink" at someone sexy! Goes well with the Golda Meier shawl or the Arafat "Dish Towel/Headress" Collection.

Rosie O'Donnell Sings Steamy Love Songs

Want to get in the mood? Need to turn it up a notch? Put this CD on and watch the sparks fly. Never has Rosie been more sensuous. You'll swoon when the sultry songstress purrs her rendition of "Fever." Also includes "Don't You Feel My Leg," "I've Got An Ache In My Belly, Uhh I Mean In My Heart," "Pass Me The Mashed Potatoes," and "Oops I Did It Again (Belched on TV)."

Taco Bell Gift Certificates

Now here's something everyone can appreciate, tasty food from South of the Border that will satisfy even the most discriminating appetite. Enjoy all your favs — Tacos, Enchiladas, Jalapeno Poopie Poppers, and the newest taste sensation, Fecalattas. Bonus coupon: $10 off real Mexican ponchos (100% genuine polyester, imported from Taiwan).

The Celebrity Naming Game

Remember how cute it was when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were dating and the press dubbed them "Beniffer"? Then Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hooked up and we started calling them "TomKat"? Then it started getting really lame, like calling Brad Pitt and that slut he goes around with "Brangelina."

Now we don't need People magazine to come up with these dopey monikers. We can do it ourselves with the new Celebrity Naming Game. See who can come up with the coolest new name — let's try some!

Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl . . . how about "Gay Kids On The Block!"

Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock . . . "Kidela"!

Bill and Hillary Clinton . . . "Billary"!

Think it's easy? OK, try this one: Dick Lipschitz and Liza Fuchs.

Why He Loved Me by Anna Nicole Smith

There is nothing like a good book by the fireside, and this sure-to-be bestseller is a moving portrait of true love, each chapter brimming with tender remembrances from the authoress. We particularly enjoyed Chapter One, "My Big Melons," Chapter Two, "Get A Load Of This Rack," Chapter Three, "The Three Bs, Big, Busty, Bosom," and Chapter Four, "Suffocate Yourself Between These."

Also Coming Soon: Why I loved Him including chapters on "His Fat Wallet," "A Big Checkbook For Me" and "Old, Rich and Dying — Music To My Ears."

The Southampton Town Reassessment Game

Care to take a walk on the wild side? This board game is for you. One minute you're enjoying life, putting a few bucks away for the kid's college education and putting food on the table. Then one spin of the wheel and Oopsie! Your taxes just went up $12,810, you're in foreclosure and the wife took off with the bible salesman. Welcome to Reassessment Hell, wherein the town randomly assigns dollar values to your property without ever having seen it! (Based on a true story.) Go ahead — spin!

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