November 29, 2006

Low Tidings

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I can't believe I lost.

The way I figure it, People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" Award must be fixed, because now George Clooney has won twice and I haven't even won once.

Clooney was pretty good looking (for a guy) back in 1997, but now he's beginning to look like Rosemary Clooney.

His good buddy Brad Pitt is the only other guy to win the award twice, and this mystifies me. Pitt looks like he has a golf ball in each cheek, or at the very least, two giant, inflated lymph nodes.

Other winners include Jude Law, Ben Affleck, Denzel Washington, Mathew McConaughey, Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise. Gibson, when last seen, was a slovenly, lecherous, anti-Semitic, raging alcoholic. Do women find this kind of bizarre behavior sexy? Of course not.

And speaking of bizarre, I give you Tom Cruise, the Midget from the Planet Xquay. I'm not so sure he's even human. No more need be said.

They award the Sexiest Man Alive Award because Jim Morrison has a lock on the sexiest dead guy crown.

Listen folks — I know women. As many of you know, I have a lot of things in common with the above mentioned winners, most noticeably the fact that I've dated many famous starlets over the years, just like they have.

Many of you recall seeing me with Melissa Etheridge, Anne Heche and Martina Navratilova, just to name a few.

Sharp eyed readers will note that these babes are now lesbians, and that's my point — they will never be able to bare being with another man after me, so they've turned to their own kind. They naturally gravitate to each other, testimony to how sexy I am.

Perusing the above list of winners, note, they are all hairy. I don't think women like hairy men. I would think women would find a man with hair on his chest and back disgusting. I believe only hairy women like hairy men.

From my years of experience I have identified the characteristics women find sexy in a man. Men, if you want women to want you, pay attention.

Women love guys who play Fantasy Football.

If there is one thing that brings out the animal in a woman it's the sight of her man duking it out on the field, going mano a mano, the testosterone flying as he competes for survival in a dog eat dog world. Women know men don't do this for themselves, but for the women in their lives who are too weak to protect themselves. Let me take this a step further: no woman in my life will ever have to worry about winning her Fantasy Football league as long as I'm around. And that's a promise.

Women adore men who chew with their mouth open.

This is a little known fact. Chewing is Pavlovian: women see a guy with a big mouthful of four-cheese Nachos, tuna sandwich and a hotdog, chewing wildly and cheering loudly, and she naturally becomes sexually excited. Grab a beer and slosh some of the food around and they really go nuts. Try this at her parents' house. They'll love you.

Women love you to make love quickly.

Once you've wined and dined a woman and you are ready to make love do the deed as quickly as possible — and try not to wake her up. Women get their best orgasms while vacuuming and cleaning up the kitchen, so the faster you make love the quicker they'll be able to get on with the chores.

Women like skid marks.

This is an indisputable face. Women find men in underwear sexy, especially if the underwear has some skid marks. The marks appeal to a woman's most basic need, which is to do laundry. The underwear says "wash me" to their Primal side, stirring uncontrollable urges too powerful to ignore.

I may not be an actor, but I'm the Brad Pitt and George Clooney of newspaper columnists. Most of you don't know this (because I'm not the type to toot my own horn), but I have won the Best Column Award from the New York Press Association two of the last three years since I began writing for The Independent. My last year at The East Hampton Star I also won, so I've won three of the last four times I've been nominated.

Of course, I'm not bragging, because that's not my way, but there is a correlation here. NYPA makes you send your picture in with your entry, and there is little doubt in my mind I win because the lady judges look at my picture and think I'm sexy. (The only other possibility is they read my column and actually like it, and that stretches the imagination of even the most loyal Low Tidings reader – hell, even I know nobody likes this crap.)

Next year, I will again be nominated, because I am the Meryl Streep of the newspaper business. Only this time, I have taken a new picture I am going to send in with my entry to give the lady judges a little treat, because this is what the magazine cover should have looked like.

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