image
Gurney's Inn
SpaSoireeTOP
bulletNight Moves
spacer spacer
spacer
image
spacer spacer
spacer
image
spacer spacer
spacer
image
spacer spacer
spacer
image
spacer spacer
spacer
image
spacer spacer

Hardy2
November 22, 2006
/editorial/recurring/jerryink.jpg
shadow

Jerry's Ink


THINGS THAT I'M NOT THANKFUL FOR



shadow
I'm not thankful that O.J. Simpson is still breathing.

O.J., that son-of-a-bitch, is in real trouble now. It was easy for him to get away with murder but now, my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, is on his case and he's in real trouble. Judy and I got into a screaming fight at dinner on Sunday night over Simpson's new book and television show. Actually, I didn't do any of the screaming. In all of our fights she is the screamer and I'm the screamee. Here's how it went:

Judy: I will never look at that O.J. special.

Me: You mean his book, If I had cut my wife's throat here's how I might have done it. I'm going to watch that show. I think it will be interesting to find out just how he did it.

Judy: (Losing her famous temper) WHAT!!! YOU ARE GOING TO HELP THAT [BLEEPING] KILLER BE SUCCESSFUL WITH THAT [BLEEPING] BOOK AND THAT [BLEEPING] SHOW? HE'S A SICK KILLER AND HE'S LAUGHING AT ALL OF US!

Me: (Always annoyingly sweet and even tempered) Well, you don't have to watch it. I will watch the O.J. show alone.

Judy: (Getting red in the face with those cute cords in her neck showing) NO . . . NO . . . NO . . . O.J. SIMPSON IS NOT COMING INTO ANY TELEVISION IN THIS HOUSE AND AS FOR THAT [BLEEPING] WHORE WHO IS PUBLISHING HIS BOOK SHE SHOULD NEVER SELL ANOTHER BOOK.

Me: (Warming up) Actually now that you mention it, I'm buying his book the minute it comes out and I plan to give it to my friends as a gift this Christmas. I'm sure Bookhampton will be carrying the O.J. book. They're liberals and they would never be party to suppressing freedom of speech.

Judy: YOU ARE A [BLEEPING] FOOL AND I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE LISTENING TO YOUR [BLEEPING] BULL . . . (At this point she called me some things that can't be published in this family newspaper.)

The dinner of steamed Lobster and a delicious ceviche of Peconic Bay Scallops which I had bought at the always wonderful Seafood Shop in Wainscott and had slaved over and carefully prepared, was ruined as Judy stormed off, slamming doors and using words that I'm sure she had never learned at the proper Connecticut College For Women.

THINGS THAT I AM THANKFUL FOR

I'm thankful that after 24 years of marriage, all Judy and I can think of to have a fight about is O.J. Simpson. Clearly we've run out of subjects and we can look forward to many years of "wedded bliss" as they say in the storybooks.

THINGS THAT I'M NOT THANKFUL FOR

Charles Rangel is calling for a draft. Yes, all you Democrats who voted Rangel and that incompetent witch Nancy Pelosi into positions of power haven't even had one day to savor your victory and now they've made the hapless, corrupt Republican leadership in Congress look like brain surgeons.

A draft? So they want to draft your kids just as that other Democrat, Lyndon Johnson, did to fight the war in Vietnam. Wise up. No matter how much Democratic politicians and The New York Times wish for it, Iraq is not another Vietnam.

It's only been a few weeks since the Democrats creamed the Republicans in the election and they can't even choose a party whip without stepping on their own d**ks.

THINGS THAT I AM THANKFUL FOR

Two years of Rangel, Pelosi, Kennedy and Kerry will assure that a Republican, John McCain or Rudy Giuliani, will be the next president of the United States.

THINGS THAT I AM NOT THANKFUL FOR

The football season will soon be over and I'm about $1200 down to my bookie.

THINGS THAT I AM THANKFUL FOR

The football season is over and I won't have to listen to Monday Night Football again.

ESPN, in one year, has ruined watching the game. In the middle of the game last night they were holding an inane interview with Jay-Z, some moronic rapper. They've interviewed Emmett Smith about his dancing show. One can hear the football game going on in the background while they're asking some celebrity jerk about what his favorite color is or some other dumb question.

Clearly the producer of Monday Night Football is an idiot. Now you know how superstitious I am and how much I love the Giants. So while watching them lose the game last night I keep trying things to change their luck.

I tried changing my position on my sofa. Then I tried changing my seat. Then I tried drinking a sip of wine before each play (It worked last year), then when that failed, I switched to sipping vodka. That didn't work. Then I lit a cigar. That didn't work; that's when I decided that the bad karma of having Tom Coughlin, the single worst football coach on the face of the earth, and the incredibly annoying voice of Joe Thiesman was what was making the Giants lose. I went to bed.

If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

Site Search



Hardy2
Hardy Plumbing
SpaSoireeTOP