October 18, 2006
LES MOONVES: HAVE I GOT A SERIES FOR YOU!
You're going to love it but you have to move fast. I have no idea how it leaked out but Fox and HBO got wind of my idea and they're all over me for a chance to produce it.
Bob Iger at Disney has offered to give me Michael Eisner to be my houseboy/manservant if I would give the series to ABC. I said no way. CBS, the fearless network that gave us Katie Couric doing the nightly news, deserves first crack at this winner.
Let's take a meeting at Michael's restaurant next week. Let's keep it informal — just you, me and our lawyers. You bring Allen Grubman, I'll bring Lynne Stewart. She outweighs Grubman by a hundred pounds.
Here is some background: I thought of this show a few weeks ago when I read that, thanks to a compromise between President Bush and Republican Senator John McCain, we have stopped our government from torturing terrorists at Guantanamo Bay prison in order to get them to give us information that might save our lives.
This was a tough one to negotiate because of President Bush's strange position on torture. In effect he was saying, "We are not torturing anyone but we reserve the right in the future to continue to not torture them in the same way we are not torturing them now." Bush caved, McCain won, torture is out.
We don't care if the terrorists have information about an H-Bomb hiding in a warehouse in Hoboken or if they know where a vat of anthrax is hidden in Amagansett.
The agreement reads: "terrorist prisoners are no longer to be shackled, chained, hooded or forced to wear headphones."(Les, I, for one, didn't understand the ban on headphones because I frequently take the subway and everyone is wearing headphones and they don't seem to be suffering or willing to talk.)
Also banned is the use of dogs, exposure to extreme temperatures, loud music for several consecutive days (especially the Ramones) and prolonged isolation, which can cause extreme suffering.
Now I have endured many of the same tortures listed above in my marriage to the beautiful Judy Licht and I have managed to survive. Sadly, these Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists are wimps and not used to this stuff. They believe it is their right to kill and torture us because it's permitted under their constitution — and not ours. We seem to agree.
But enough about torture. Anyone who's worked for Sumner Redstone as long as you have, Les, has little to learn about torture from the likes of me or the United States government. So doing time at Guantanamo Bay Prison is going to be a piece of cake and that's my idea. It takes place in Guantanamo Bay Prison and it's patterned after a great old television hit of the fifties — "Hogan's Heroes."
You remember Colonel Hogan (played by a world class degenerate). Bob Crane leads a ragtag band of American POWs in this very popular television comedy. Our show will feature an Arab terrorist leading his band of terrorist POWs from the prison at Guantanamo and my show will be called "HAKIM'S HEROES."
Get the switch? In this one the Arab prisoners are like the Americans and American jailers are like the German guards.
The bumbling Germans gave Hogan and his crew plenty of opportunities to sabotage their war efforts. Our show will feature the bumbling Americans allowing the terrorist to have the run of Guantanamo Bay Prison and hatching fun filled terrorist plots all over America. I say they blow up one American city per episode and my first choice for the boffo opening show is Detroit. I'm a Yankee fan.
In "HAKIM'S HEROES," Hakim will be played by Alec Baldwin who gets funnier with every pound he puts on, and I beg you to help me get James Gandolfini to play the part of the dumb Sgt. Hans Schultz. Martin Sheen will play the part of Col. Wilhelm Klink.
Guest stars? I've got a million of them. How about to get the sex angle into this — Paris Hilton?
The sex stuff is tricky with the Arabs — you know how they are with women. So Paris spends most of the show trying to show Hakim her bare arms. And Paris, the great talent that she is, will have the Arab POWs wetting their sheets with laughter until she makes the mistake of telling them that she would love to get stoned. Think of the laughs when she discovers that a woman being stoned is different in the Muslim world.
Les, I think we can sell this series to the 10 billion Muslims. I think too many people in this country underestimate the great sense of humor that Muslims have. They love jihad jokes. The subsidiary rights alone to Al Jazeera ought to be worth millions.
The season finale — Les, baby, we're going right to the top with this one.
The Arabs work out a way to smuggle Barbra Streisand into Guantanamo so she can entertain their troops. Think of it: Barbra singing to a bunch of cutthroat terrorists watching them breakdown and sob when she sings:
People who kill people
Are the holiest people in the world."
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