October 11, 2006

Low Tidings

I don't know about you but if I'm in Congress, and I'm on the floor voting on a bill and I get bored, chances are I won't be sending filthy e-mails to a 16-year-old boy — but I reserve the right to go online and check my fantasy football lineup.

"At a White House Rose Garden ceremony President Bush hailed Mark Foley as a member of the `SWAT team for kids.' Bush spoke while signing into law a broad protection measure that included a Foley-sponsored provision requiring sex offenders to register in every state where they live."

That would be: Mark Foley, Florida

When my wife assures me I am "going to have a hot meal waiting" when I come home from work, I honestly would rather take my chances with a nice spinach salad (but hold the poopie dressing).

With the bases loaded in a big game, I'd rather have my sister at bat than Alex Rodriguez.

News Item: "In 2003 Mark Foley pressed Florida Governor Jeb Bush to investigate a nudist camp for teenagers."

"I'll come along," Foley offered. "Can we check out the locker room?"

"I have been fighting for years to eliminate both child pornography and so-called exploitive child modeling sites," Foley said.

By having all the exploited boys come work for me in Washington.

The new Pope is off to a good start, isn't he? Topic for next speech: Why Buddha Was A Dopey Schmuck.

Dear God,

Please don't tell me Ted Kennedy is an old fag, not when we so desperately need a genuine womanizer in Washington.

Foley called the Clinton/Lewinsky affair "vile." Let me get this straight: President Clinton almost got impeached for having oral sex with a grown up woman?

The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes baby is obviously wearing a black wig. Can anyone say adopted Chinese baby?

"No one saw the extent of this," a Foley aide told The Washington Post. "You do this stuff in the shadows."

No, you DON'T molest young boys in the shadows or anywhere else, stupid.

OK, we missed our chance to get Osama. Is anyone talking about taking out that North Korean kook?

I'm getting the sneaky suspicion that this Foley thing is just the tip of the iceberg, that maybe Washington is like the Catholic Church and the Congressmen are like priests, and pages are fresh meat for these old, alcoholic perverts.

Condie Rice, call your orthodontist.

Father Kevin, have you met Mark Foley?

President Pataki? No.

President Giuliani? No.

President Winfrey? No.

President Pelosi? You mean, Danny?

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