Hardy Plumbing
September 20, 2006

Jerry's Ink


So I'm volunteering my services, as an advertising and marketing person, to the people who grow and sell spinach.

Now I'm sure you've all been reading about the nationwide health scare over bacteria-ridden spinach. When I see the headlines I realize my mother was trying to kill me when she said, "Eat your spinach; it's good for you."

Good? Spinach, as I always used to tell my mother, turned out to be poison.

According to the Food and Drug Administration and The Center for Disease Control, if you take even as little as one lousy bite of spinach, you're dead.

It seems that fresh spinach is filled with iron, which is good for you, and E. coli bacteria, which is terrible for you. Those pesky E. coli bacteria can cause diarrhea, dehydration and finally, death.

Now I grew up watching those Popeye cartoons and whenever he was in trouble and needed some super human strength he would reach for his can of spinach. Let me tell you, the thought of Popeye reaching for his can of spinach and winding up in the can with diarrhea is not a pretty thought. Spinach won't hurt Popeye's girlfriend, Olive Oyl. She's clearly bulimic and won't hold spinach down long enough for it to hurt her.

But at the rate it's going, spinach may be wiped out. No one will ever eat spinach again. So here's my plan to save spinach.

Remember when we had people all over the world eating a steak and then keeling over and dying from Mad Cow disease. How come people didn't stop eating steak and hamburgers? Because the meat people had some clever ad guy like me saying, "We can't call this by its real name, bovin spongiform encephalopathy. Let's give this a cute, catchy name. The cheese people own the name 'Happy Cow,' so I say we call our disease 'Mad Cow disease.'"

The rest is history. All over the world there were conversations like this: "Did you read about that new disease that's killing people who eat meat? It's called Mad Cow's Disease."

"Yeah, Mad Cow — can you pass me the catsup for my hamburger."

I say we call this latest flap about spinach "Nutty Spinach Disease." It's got a nice sound to it.

"Did you hear about Bill? Had a spinach salad yesterday and died from crapis extremus. Must have been that Nutty Spinach Disease."

"Poor Bill. Spinach salad, mmm. I think I'll have that for lunch today."

So why am I doing this for the spinach growers?

Actually I'm doing it for my favorite president, George W Bush. No matter what goes wrong in this world The New York Times and his opponents find a way to blame Bush. We are only a few days from The New York Times blaming the war in Iraq for the E. coli in spinach disaster. Can't you just see the headline?

"Bush Concentrating on Iraq Takes His Eye Off of Sick Spinach Crop."

The subhead would read: "Why was Bush so slow to save spinach? Democrats claim that it is because spinach is a blue state crop."

The story would go on to slant that George W. Bush has stopped waging war on poor people and has turned his attention to vegetables. Ted Kennedy would, of course, be quoted as saying, "Today spinach — tomorrow Brussels sprouts." The senator would go on to say how he and some others in Congress want to make it law that the E. coli infested spinach that is killing people is read its rights before we throw it away. I'm sure that poisoned spinach is protected by the Geneva Conventions.


So the Pope, quoting a 14th-century book, recently said that Muslims tend to be violent. He said some of the teachings of the prophet were evil and inhuman. He later apologized for his statement. (Even Popes have to be politically correct.) Many Muslims from all over the world, saying they're not violent, started rioting and burning places and they killed a nun.

Now this latest message from a Muslim group to the Pope: "We will break up the cross, spill the liquor and impose head tax, then the only thing acceptable is a conversion (to Islam) or (killed by) the sword."

Doesn't sound violent to me. The liberal in me says we read them their rights before we drop the bomb.

'If you wish to comment on "Jerry's Ink," send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

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