Hardy Plumbing
August 30, 2006

My GayView


Is it Over Yet?

The world is in a sad and dangerous place. Just turn on the news or read a magazine if you have any doubts. War has avidly followed us into the 21st-century, and more lunatics than ever have access to the atom bomb. (Not to worry — the leader of the free world cannot pronounce the word "nuclear," so I guess it's no big deal. That idiot.)

Religion is no longer used to comfort or elevate people; it's a highly volatile terrorist tool at this point. Planet Earth seems to be conspiring with Mother Nature to shake us off and give another species a shot at running the show. Storms and earthquakes and tidal waves — oh my! Heroes are few and far between, but idols with feet of clay abound. Hip Hop is the background music for the collapse of our civilization.

But is the world coming to an end? Many groups claim that's the case. Entire segments of society are counting on it. From Jerry Falwell to Mel Gibson figures who could run for the position of anti-Christ abound. We elected and then re-elected one to the White House for heaven's sake! But is all of this enough to convince you that the end is near? Are the Horsemen of the Apocalypse about to ride down Main Street in your town? Does George W. Bush have a birthmark that looks like triple sixes on the back of his neck? (Only Laura and his barber know for sure.) Is Tsunami synonymous with The Great Flood that put Noah to work?

Global warming, which might cause a deep chill — I'm not sure I know how that works — looms according to Al Gore's movie. Still, it all seems a bit vague when you compare it to the more definite signs appearing before us daily. It's a case of the masses not being able to see the forest for the trees. Here are but 10 of the sure signals that civilization as we've known it is about to end:

Angelina Jolie's maternal instincts have brought her to a place where she'd rather sleep in a room with an infant & nurse than with Brad Pitt.

The U.S. Government, famous for its out-of-control bureaucracy, it's willingness to purchase $500 hammers and its inability to monitor who comes and goes across our own borders, thinks that we can run Iraq. Meanwhile, Iraq is running us into the ground. How's the rebuilding of New Orleans going, anyway?

Computers have learned to talk. Remember Hal in 2001 A Space Odyssey?

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are viewed as role models by millions of young girls internationally. They long for anorexic tushies, unauthorized sex tapes with multiple camera angles, a vapid approach to life that resembles heavy sedation and fame so all-consuming that the press is concerned when you suffer a painful bite from your pet kinkajou. (The animal's name is Baby Love, but it might be called road kill in Paris' driveway if it doesn't learn to snuggle.)

A lunatic who wishes he'd killed a child beauty queen dominates the media.

Jeans and tee shirts are considered appropriate attire for Lincoln Center.

All the resources of the military complex maintained by the last of the world's great Super Powers cannot find one six foot, three inch, bearded towel head in Afghanistan as the years roll by — and he continues to feed us a steady diet of taunting videos.

The Olsen twins have been issued drivers licenses.

More people watch Oprah than attend church, and the fastest growing religion in America is Scientology. Maybe it's Tom Cruise who's the anti-Christ.

An apple costs a dollar, you're connected to someone in Pakistan to discuss your credit card bill, and the richest country in the world keeps its minimum wage at just over five dollars. Not to worry: the economy is still "strong."

What is GayView's take on all this? Forget Nancy Reagan and just say "yes" to every ho-down, send-off, over-the-top bash, elbow-bender, pow-wow, or good old-fashioned PARTY that comes your way. It can't be long now, kids.

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