August 23, 2006
Eliot Spitzer is going to be our next Governor. His advertising campaign has been brilliant.
When his television commercials began they never showed you his face. You just heard his voice.
As an advertising guy I can tell you that's what you do when you have a candidate who has a good voice but, visually, looks like a depraved accountant.
Wasn't that a great front-page headline in The New York Post last Monday? It showed this crazy, child-molesting freak, John Mark Karr, sitting in his First Class seat being shipped to the United States on the charge he murdered JonBonet Ramsey.
The Post headline was: SNAKE ON A PLANE.
I'm positive the pervert is delusional and clearly he was miles away from the child when she was murdered. My guess is that Karr is the new poster child for all those loathsome scum in the world who prey on children. The Bangkok Chamber of Tourism probably hired him to confess because there was a drop in the number of vile degenerates visiting their disgusting teen and pre-teen brothels.
The creep didn't kill JonBonet Ramsey, but I say let's execute him anyway — just for the fun of it.
Wow, I did it again. Now I'm going to hear from all those bleeding heart liberals who are intent on preserving the rights of child molesters and terrorists over our dead bodies.
Speaking of loud liberals who give me the creeps, there's Rosie O'Donnell who is now complaining because she is not the big boss at "The View."
I played a little game with myself the other day.
If given the choice, would I rather spend one minute alone in an elevator with Rosie O'Donnell or go see the movie Snakes on a Plane?
The snakes won.
When my wife, The Beautiful Judy Licht, asked me why I detest Rosie O'Donnell so much, I had a quick answer:
I have penis envy.
WHEN PIGS CAN FLY
So, how can we stop these Islamic morons who are ready to blow themselves and our planes out of the sky? We can't profile them and keep them off our planes because a few politically correct idiots would rather see us dead than to stop Muslims (who commit 99 percent of the terrorist acts in the world) from being singled out at our airports.
So, what's the solution?
Here's the brilliant Della Femina plan:
Muslims believe that if you die with a pig anywhere near you, you do not go to Muslim heaven, which is filled with virgins who can't wait to get it on with dopes who have blown themselves to pieces. Apparently, they believe that just as soon as they are blown up, terrorists arrive in Muslim heaven and have reattached the piece that is most important to have attached to you if you plan to get it on with seven virgins and that's when the fun begins.
Many years ago, in a skirmish with Muslim rebels, a British general announced that his troops' bullets would be coated with pork lard. That was it — war called off on account of pork fat. So, here's my plan: we put a live pig on every flight in or coming to the U.S.A.
Here's how it goes.
Everyone is strapped in and ready to go. The flight attendant makes her announcements and then she says, "Welcome to American Airlines. If there are any Muslims on board who are planning to blow this flight up, let me call your attention to 'Porky' who I'm holding in my arms. This cute little piglet will be flying with us today. Now, you gentlemen know that if you should blow up this plane you'll have Porky's blood all over your souls so you'll never get to heaven and those virgins. You'll go straight to hell where you'll be forced to eat ham sandwiches and pork chops throughout eternity."
Think of it: a pig on every flight will keep our planes safe, and yes, in time, the politically correct fools who have kept the vast majority of us from racially profiling these bozos would call for us to include a live cow, a horse, a lamb and a chicken on each flight so that the Muslims won't feel we have singled them out.
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