August 09, 2006
Rick has always been fascinated by these quizzes that are designed to tell you something about yourself you may be suppressing. His favorite is at www.colorquiz.com. This is Rick's "actual problem," according to his test results:
"The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions, which are really beyond his capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unedited) inadequacy. He reacts by seeking outside confirmation of his ability and value in order to bolster his self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that he may shift the blame from himself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires."
Not bad compared to the inkblot test he took, which ended abruptly when Rick kept seeing the gonads of barnyard animals in every picture he was shown.
Take the profile test below, then turn to Page B-36 to get the results and learn something new about yourself.
The Karl Braunstein Psychological Profile Test
1. You would describe yourself as a: a) Democrat b) Liberal c) Christian d) Member of a maniacal cult that tortures squirrels.
2. Your favorite part of the chicken is: a) Drumstick b) Breast c) Thigh
3. When you fly on a commercial jet liner you secretly believe: a) The plane is going to go down over the ocean b) The plane will be hit by a Hezbollah rocket c) The pilot has been drinking those little bottles of vodka d) The stewardess who is so nice to you is a she-male.
4. When you are in the bathtub you: a) Still wish you had little rubber boats that float b) Wish you had little rubber boats with plastic little people c) Wished you had those little "submarines" that ran on baking soda d) Dream of holding your little brother's head under water until the bubbles stop.
5. Your favorite breakfast is: a) Bacon, eggs, toast and coffee b) Pancakes and sausage c) Granola with fresh fruit d) A pint of 4 Roses and a pack of Luckies.
6. When the lights go out in the movie theater you: a) Secretly experience a moment of panic b) Wish you had extra butter on your popcorn c) Fondle yourself d) Fondle the little old lady next to you.
7. When you go to the beach you: a) Think everyone is staring at your bathing suit b) Wonder why you wore the pink flip-flops c) Look around for someone sexy to sit near d) Mercilessly taunt the children from the Special Needs school.
8. You are: a) The oldest sibling in your family b) The baby of the family c) Have younger and older brothers and sisters d) An only child because your father had a vasectomy after seeing how ugly you were.
9. When you go to sleep you: a) Leave a light on because you still kind of believe there is a boogeyman b) Leave the TV on because it helps you sleep c) Leave a night light on in case you have to go to the bathroom d) Sleep in the dark because the only meaningful sex you ever have is with yourself (and if you have to go to the bathroom you just go in bed).
10. You've read the instructions many times but the truth is you take toothpaste from the tube by: a) Squeezing it at random b) Squeezing from the bottom up, carefully folding the tube c) Smearing it on your genitals d) Snorting it through your left nostril.
1) None of the above. You would never hurt a poor little squirrel, though you do enjoy smacking your crippled grandmother around.
2) A — All of us like to play the caveman, and eating meat with our hands directly from the bone satisfies a hidden craving. If you answered D, deduct two points. If you wrote in "gizzard," add three.
3) A — Each of us have a repressed fear of flying. Stewardesses have never been the same after a court ruling directed airlines to hire the ugly ones, too.
4) A — All of us enjoyed those boats, and all of us enjoyed capsizing them, too. All of us also enjoyed playing "cavity search" with the soap, too . . . well, maybe not.
5) D — Losers like yourself need liquor to dull your senses even more than God already has. If you answered "C," you're a little light in the tippy toes, Sven.
6) C — Duh! That's what everyone does at the movies, right?
7) D — Cardinal Rule #1: It is always great fun to ridicule others, but bonus points are awarded for ridiculing those too stupid or helpless to fight back.
8) D — You know the old joke: you were so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
9) None of the above. You leave the lights on so your Uncle Ernie can find his way in.
10) A — If you really do squeeze from the bottom up, you're an anally fixated lunatic. And everyone knows you don't smear toothpaste on your genitals — that's what the shampoo is for.
If you scored 9-10: You just wasted 15 minutes reading this drivel and it means you're a pathetic loser.
If you scored 1-8: You just wasted 15 minutes reading this drivel and it means you're a pathetic loser.
If you found the column mildly amusing but quickly lost interest and turned to the answers just to give them a cursory glance: you have successfully completed The Karl Braunstein Psychological Profile Test.