Hardy Plumbing
August 02, 2006

My GayView


Man-O-Pause

Everyone is familiar with the term "menopause." It's the unlikely name they've given to the changes that overtake females when they hit a certain age. Why, you may ask, didn't they call it "womenopause"? A friend, who took four years of Latin, explained that one for me: it comes from the root "menses" which is the correct term for a monthly cycle.

We've all heard about the hot flashes, weepiness, fits of rage and learning to deal with the caterpillar growing on many of the upper lips of the Upper Crust. (Should one bleach or wax?) Some of it is truthful, some is not. Some of it applies, much does not. Here's the most surprising part: it happens to men, too — and nobody cares.

Advancing "maturity" causes all of this cyclical change and it's basically all the same. It has to do with your hormones going into retirement. Be they boy or girl hormones, the longer you live the less you produce. The less you produce, the more Father Time sets up shop in what used to be your temple of a body.

Life is a thief and, if you live long enough, it will take everything from you. Eventually, you get back to where we all began: an old "infant" in diapers, unable to speak or talk or feed oneself. How's that for a scary cycle? Anyway, whether the patriarchal society in which we live wants you to know it or not, males are not exempt. I've decided to name it "Man-o-pause."

If you think the symptoms are pretty severe in women, just wait until you start to observe them in men. Once you're hip to the existence of this 'curse' that plagues menfolk, you'll see signs of it everywhere. For example, George W. Bush and all of his cohorts (Cheney, Rumsfield and Rove) are most definitely suffering from man-o-pause.

How you manifest it depends, to a large degree, on who you are and what you do. A plumber might decide to buy a Corvette and drive it to Las Vegas (with the family savings) for a risky and excessive weekend at the expense of his unfortunate relatives. If you're the President of the United States, you have all kinds of other options. You might just get a bit confused and decide to take your country to war, under false pretenses, with a country that deserved no retaliation.

All those airplanes and Hummers and bombs exploding everywhere: it really gets the blood up for a dude who's feeling a bit sluggish. As for all the young studs who think they're so hot, they'll just have to fight it for him. The plumber gets a certain rush from squandering a young punk's college fund, but the prez has the spending power of a Super Power to throw around. He's knows the chicks will take notice of that. I'm convinced Laura is so drugged up herself she could care less. She'll get hers in the long run, you know. That one has "merry widow" written all over her.

Gay men are by no means exempt. We can go to some pretty strange places and do some pretty weird things as the twilight begins to descend. He may decide it's time to join that dig in Egypt — something he's meant to do since a long forgotten archaeology class. (It's a pleasant perspective to dig up something even older than you!)

One who used to spend countless hours in gay clubs now cannot be coaxed away from the gym. (Keeping it all as tight as possible for as long as possible is a classic way to stave off the ravages of time.) Then we get to the whole fashion victim thing. He reads that madras is the hot trend and the next time you meet him for lunch an explosion in a plaid factory comes walking over to your table.

What these fellows, from the mighty to the meek, are forgetting is the old adage "living well is the best revenge." GayView believes surviving the highs and lows has its own rewards. Okay, time for my nap.

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