July 19, 2006
Samdup Thockmay is a Tibetan monk, a seer and a prophet. He manages a convenience store in Flushing.
Today: Snow is nothing more than God's dandruff.
Birthday: Lizzie Borden, 1860
Watch out for: Hunchbacks eating Roquefort cheese
Be grateful: The Muslims didn't see the cartoon you drew.
Tomorrow: You're just like summer's flowers: you smell like perfume until the dogs pee on you.
Birthday: Natalie Wood, 1938
Watch out for: Dung
Be grateful: You're too insignificant to matter.
Friday: Remember Gandolf gave the ring to the most innocent among God's creatures — like yourself. Or maybe, to the ones with the hideously big and hairy feet, like yours.
Birthday: Hemingway, 1899
Watch out for: The e-mail from the "Hot Teen in Dallas"
Be grateful: You'll have a colostomy bag soon.
Saturday: This is a day to prance, skip, throw your head back, let your hair down and laugh out loud! (Officer, arrest that freakazoid — the children are scared.)
Birthday: Rose Kennedy, 1890
Watch out for: People named Leon
Be grateful: The puss looks good on your face.
Sunday: Drink deep from the fountain of youth, you old fart.
Birthday: Don Imus, 1940
Watch out for: The skinheads with chain saws
Be grateful: They only wish to maim you, not kill you.
Monday: Angels fly over you, watching and protecting God's favorite child (yeah, sure they do).
Birthday: Barry Bonds, 1968
Watch out for: People who talk about dead things
Be grateful: People pity you.
Tuesday: This is a good day to make "fart" noises in the elevator
Birthday: Matt LeBlanc, 1967
Watch out for: Greasy noses
Be grateful: The clinic is open.