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July 12, 2006

Gossip & Whispers


So there was Spades in a real quandary. Out on the prowl Saturday night, two hotties he's long lusted after: in one corner, the suddenly single Jessica Simpson, and in the other corner Michelle Rodriquez, the "Lost" vixen.

She was on her way into the Cigar Bar in Sag Harbor, looking little like the tough, nasty, ex-cop she plays on the show. Still, Spades figured, she's the type of babe that would "take him" in a manner he would be scarcely able to resist. She would force him to do all sorts of nasty things, and he would be helpless to resist.

Simpson, waiting for a buzz at a party in Southampton, presented the other side of the coin. Eager to be photographed with boy-toys to make her dopey ex jealous, Jessica would be easy picking for the suave Spades, tanned and tuned and ready to run.

Spades finished his beer at the Corner Bar and made his decision. He walked across the street to the Cigar Bar, realizing deep inside he liked it rough. Furthermore, this jail-hardened criminal surely knows how to dish out the tough love.

Spades waded through the billowing smoke and the sweaty bodies looking for the sultry jailbird. He asked a couple patrons and was greeted with the blank stares most human beings reserve for a sex-crazed gossip mongerer in heat looking for a good beating. Alas, he finally realized, Rodriguez had come and gone, so no in-and-out for Spades on this night.

Ron Perelman threw the biggest party of the summer, the crowds swelled by the rumor of a major rock jam involving Cheryl Crow, Billy Joel, and Bon Jovi. Kandy went, knowing Bon Jovi is happily married but daring to dream. Alas, the rocker had more pressing needs to attend to — the electricity at his newly purchased ocean manse had gone out for a third straight night, leaving a nervous babysitter to fend for herself. The gallant Jon Bon raced home and the jam never materialized.

Meanwhile, Jerry Seinfeld held a rare party that drew none other than Sarah Jessica Parker, who once accused The Indy of running her out of town and ruining her life. She looked just fine, though, both of them. "And they're real," she assured Jerry.

Sightings: There was a buzz last Saturday night when Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff slipped into East Hampton about 10 p.m. amidst heavy security. Local cops got the word and convened at the Hess station to escort the escorts. He was whisked to the usual "unidentified location" . . . Aretha Franklin hung around for a couple days after her concert at Ross School with an eight-person entourage in tow . . . Kelsey Grammar has settled in for summer, dropping a few grand at Hampton Photo Arts in Bridgehampton and waving happily to fans who spotted him . . . former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Richard Holbrooke, spotted on Main Street in East Hampton . . . Former Knicks' coach Larry Brown and columnist Mike Lupica, playing golf at Atlantic and discussing East Hampton hoop hotshot Mikey Russell . . . Mets' broadcaster Keith Hernandez at The Coast Grill, right now the block from his house . . . Uma Thurman, looking luscious, shopping on Newtown Lane . . . Niles Crain a.k.a. David Hyde Pierce at Della Femina's. Debbie Harry of Blondie fame showed up at Sag Harbor's Sunset Beach Hotel for a benefit Saturday swathed in green mesh and black lycra. Kandy said the aging rockstress was nearly unrecognizable in a face-covering getup of huge sunglasses and a cowboy hat. She wondered how Harry didn't melt down in the ninety degree heat while all the other hipster attendees were wearing, well, next to nothing in the sweltering sun. Harry took the stage to belt out a few acoustic Stones tunes and some of Blondie's old faves like "Heart of Glass."

Rumor and Innuendo: The summer attracts the rich and famous but brings the weirdos, too. Kandy ran into a well known director who approached her with a truly oddball request: Let him do X to her Y and get a walk-on role in his next movie. What up Wit Dat? Kandy doesn't do casting couch, dude.

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