July 05, 2006
Samdup Thockmay is a Tibetan monk, a seer and a prophet. He manages a convenience store in Flushing.
Today: If you are reading this right now, you must realize how bored you are.
Birthday: Huey Lewis, 1951
Watch out for: The Dark Lord with the bad hair
Be grateful: People laugh at you behind your back and not to your face.
Tomorrow: Chant your secret mantra out loud and be rewarded with courage and dignity: Shout it out! "I am snot, I am snot . . . "
Birthday: George W. Bush, 1946
Watch out for: The tragic event that will happen next Tuesday
Be grateful: Your good to go for tomorrow.
Friday: Take a nice dip in the ocean and cleanse your mind, your body and your filthy underwear.
Birthday: Ringo Starr, 1940
Watch out for: Ticks, bats and snakes
Be grateful: Things have got to get better (or, maybe not . . .)
Saturday: You must be really popular at work because your co-workers have given you a fun nickname: Urine breath.
Birthday: Kevin Bacon, 1958
Watch out for: The milk that goes bad
Be grateful: The sour cream is still sour
Sunday: Today is the day to pray to the Lord for his guidance and comfort and a way out of this terrible mess you're in. Unfortunately, a lot of people will be doing that today, and he probably won't hear you.
Birthday: Courtney Love, 1964
Watch out for: The nerve gas
Be grateful: No one will miss you
Monday: Remind yourself anew of the things you need to do to get ahead: wipe more thoroughly, stop perspiring like a freakin' shower head, and stop mumbling about open wounds and guts.
Birthday: Jessica Simpson, 1980
Watch out for: That stuff you're putting on the pasta isn't Parmesan, it's grated toe cheese.
Be grateful: You're so pathetic a couple other losers feel sorry for you.
Tuesday: Read the words of the scriptures and find wisdom in the verses (in other words, go away and leave us alone).
Birthday: Suzanne Vega, 1959
Watch out for: The spilling spittoon
Be grateful: It's on the rug and not your head.