July 05, 2006

Hamptons Daze

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Seconds

We all know that guys can be very persistent and hard to lose at times, especially when under the influence of alcohol. Some excuses just don't work, such as "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend," or "I'm sorry, I bat for the other team." Most of the time, these excuses just make the guy try harder. You have to be much more creative. We have thought of a few examples of plans that work. Basically get ready to lie like you've never lied before.

Example One:

Two very intoxicated boys walk up to Veronica and Jameson on Friday night. They have very obviously planned out which one is going for Veronica and which one is going for Jameson. Boy #1 goes up to Veronica, "Hey how's it going? blah blah blah, did you just graduate or something?"

Veronica responds, "Yes, I graduated from Southampton High School a week ago." Turns out this isn't a turn off, as boy #1's eyes light up.

"So what are your plans for the summer?" he asks.

"I'm going to sleepaway camp, it's my last summer because you can't go once you turn 18, I leave tomorrow."

Drunken boy #1 can hardly contain himself. He's thinking, "One night stand with a minor, awesome!" He gives Veronica a hug and tries to kiss her. At this moment, Veronica throws her arms in the air and screams like a maniac, "Ahhhhh, what are you doing? Leave me alone! I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A CLUB BEFORE!!!" Boy #1 immediately walks away.

Boy #2 walks up to Jameson and doesn't even try to have a conversation with her, but rather opens his mouth, sticks his long, slimy tongue out, grabs Jameson's head and tries to make out with her. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks Jameson repulsed. "I'm not making out with you!"

"But why not?" asks boy #2. "What are you prejudiced against Irish guys?"

"As a matter of fact no. I make out with Irish guys all the time, but I usually try talking to them a little first. Get lost, creep," Jameson replies and turns around to run after Veronica who has just run off the dance floor, arms flailing, screaming something about never being to a club before.

Example Two:

Later on in the night a boy goes up to Jameson and says, "Hi, my name's Rich, you want a shot?"

"Of course your name's Rich" says Jameson.

"How did you know what my name is?" he asks.

Veronica chimes in, "She's psychic . . . she works for the psychic network, and she can read your mind, PERVERT!" The boy goes away, but not before trying to buy Jameson, "the psychic," a shot again.

One more foolproof than the next, Veronica and Jameson are quite proud of their lies. So proud that they decide they need to make up a story to talk to cute guys. "We could say we're model scouts," says Veronica.

"No that won't work . . . we don't have a clipboard. We could say we're searching out and recruiting rodeo clowns," says Jameson. "What's a rodeo clown?" asks Veronica. Jameson looks at her dumbfounded that she doesn't know what a rodeo clown is. "Why should I? I've never been to the rodeo," says Veronica.

"Have you ever watched TV?" asks Jameson sarcastically. Needless to say, the rest of the night was devoted to taking a survey to see how many people in the bar know what a rodeo clown is. The results were roughly 50%.

Whether it's pretending that you're from China, or faking an accent, telling little lies and pretending to be another person is always a fun pasttime.

We have a little side story that has nothing to do with lying but Jameson thought it was so strange that she had to put it in. Last Wednesday, Jameson met a very peculiar guy at the Publick House carrying a big book in his jacket pocket. Curious to know what it was Jameson starts talking to the guy and finds out he is a "spiritual guide" and informs people all over the country about weird things that will happen to the world in 2012. Bizarre, but quite nice, Jameson decides to find out more and talks to him the rest of the night. After a few discussions about time travel, space aliens, and zodiac signs, he tells her to come with him to try a "spiritual exercise." They sit down at a table and he instructs her to stare at him directly in his eyes and not say anything for three minutes. After three of the longest minutes of her life he stops and says, "Okay I have all the information I need from you, the exercise is over."

"What information, and what exercise? All I did was stare at you."

"I just read your soul and your thoughts. I know what your future is going to hold," he replies. "Okay, I think I am gonna go now," Jameson says and walks away, completely weirded out.

"What? You're done talking to him?" Veronica asks when Jameson returns to their table.

"Yeah, I decided that I don't have any room in my life for a spiritual guide who can read my mind and my soul."

Strange but True Fact of the Week: Did you know that people who eat chunky peanut butter compared to smooth peanut butter have on average higher IQs, Jameson learned this from a bartender the other night and made a mental note to always buy the chunky kind.

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